Are you sad like me?

I can pin point the depression these days. I recognize it as it is and not how I wish it would be. I use it as the fuel to create, too rid myself of hate. I don't understand how I can be so selfless and selfish. How I can miss the things that aren't good for me while I suffocate what is. How I obsess over you, how I wish you'd tell me how it is. I'm nothing but short of okay. I am this person that really is useless in every single way. That I have true love but continue to wish it away. How I have this yearning for freedom like I am stuck in a cage. I built this cage with my anxiety, with my depression, with my fears of being great. I can pin point what's good for me and I can ignore it all in the same day. I am hot and cold, thick and thin, rich and poor, a coward and I'm brave, I can be everything you needed and I can also not be anything. I can post my face and you like it but my words don't seem to mean anything.  This feeling of being completely sad is a feeling I can't ever seem to chase away.

©MikelMauree'Art2022

I'm Crazy and Halloween's my favorite

 I think I most definitely have a love hate relationship with this time of year.  Halloween is my most favorite holiday, I absolutely love being able to start wearing jackets, sweaters, gloves and beanies which I love, although I hate being cold. It's a conundrum of the grandest kind. I probably am that. A conundrum. A weirdo. Eccentric. Vulgar. Transparent. Radical. Methodical. Curious. Humane. Empathetic. Energetic. Poetic. Rejected. Wondering. Pondering. Ethical. Insane. No one really understands my name.  I happened to veer off into another random lane.  That's pretty normal I suppose, I criss cross on which way my mind goes. Why do you come to my blog, do you think I am a cog?

Oh well whatever it is, I'm also here for it, so I am glad you are too. 

I am just as nosey as you.

Demons

We are all trying to fight our demons, shaming them into little boxes, telling them that we have no use for them.  Acting like they are a weakness when we should really be embracing them, training them, getting to know them but most of all controlling them.  That's the trick right?  Mastering our inner most thoughts and feelings, you see those demons are just the parts of you that want out, that want to be heard, that need you to show up.  Just like our parents showed up for us or didn't, whatever the case may be.  Our demons are like the child still in us, begging to be heard, begging to be seen.  When we ignore those feelings they morph into what I like to call demons and they show up with the intent to wreck us.  To wreck us with a slap back to reality. Listen I say. Listen to the demons of your soul.  Listen to get better, listen to understand them.  The only way to master them is to get personal with them, get real, own your thoughts or they will end up owning you.  We hear the word demon and we are shaken to our core.  Society wants you to be sacred of them, they don't want you to get to know them.  Knowing your demons is how you master your own life.  They don't want you to master a thing, they want you to be mastered by them.  They want you to run scared and hide, they want you to be shaking in your boots at the mere thought of someone blaming you for the things you cannot hide.  The demons are everywhere, outside, inside, under your bed, in your closet, in the corners, and in your head.  We are all trying to fight our demons but instead we should be inviting them to eat at our table, to sleep in our bed, to take a walk with us, to bath in our water, to live in our heads.  The world is a demon and if we can't master them and learn to live in harmony with the demons in our heads, we won't go anywhere, we won't win the good fight.  We will only be sad souls wishing that we had never lived our lives.

A Good Cry

So you should just have a good cry

tell all of them goodbye

they say that they care 

but then they continue 

to slowly wear

on your 

heart

I just let them tear mine apart

like I don't even care 

about me 

I

do things that are mean

but it's because 

you keep 

hurting 

my 

soul 

with your inability 

to care about 

why I am 

even here 

where do we draw the line 

where do we decide 

that being alone 

is better 

than 

feeling like you don't care

I love you they say 

then they do things

that prove it 

but then they do things that 

disapprove 

it

what does it all fucking mean?

I'm angry, I'm sad and I'm crying 

I don't want to feel like I'm dying 

why do I do this 

why do I think

that there 

is anyone out there

that is actually 

everything 

I need

I don't get to have it all

I am all of it 

I am horrible 

I am ugly 

I deserve 

this 

I even 

earned it 

just a good cry is all that I need.

Some People

Some people only love you because of the way you make them feel.

If by chance you don't make them feel that way one time. Well you are wrong.

Some people only care about you because of what you bring to the table. 

If by chance you can't bring to the table what they need. Well you are wrong.

Some people only need you to need them so they don't feel so sad. 

If by chance you show any sign of not needing them. Well you are wrong.

Some people can't communicate their feelings unless you force them too. 

If by some chance you provide a safe space for them to communicate how they feel. Well you are wrong.

Some people seek out ways to not be miserable everyday.

If by chance you can relate. Well you are wrong. 

Don't mistake some people for people that can stay.

Don't mistake some people for people that truly love you.

Don't mistake some people for people that are good for you.

Don't mistake your kindness for trying anyways.

Tragic

A whole month has passed by without a post, I've had many ideas but making myself sit down and write is the oddest chore of my life.  I love to write but it takes me time, time I don't have. That's the tragic truth here, that I wholeheartedly put it on the back burner constantly and to think it is one of the things I am good at.  That's what I do with everything that's good, I put it off, I push it to the side, I don't make the time.  Tragic.

I seem to do a lot of tragic things really.  My life is the most beautiful, most tragic thing I have ever known. 

My life, my art, my heart and my soul. Tragic.

Tragic in the most beautiful way.

I should go write a poem about this very moment, the moment I realized that my sorrow is actually my strength.  That my art is the only thing actually keeping me sane.  That my heart is full of love no matter what.  That my life is not that bad.  That I shouldn't really be this sad.  

Tragic they say but the tragedy is the teacher.  Teaching all of the things, no matter where we go there will be something tragic, just be sure to find the magic. It follows in its place.

She's Fire

She's fire that needs the earth to sustain her but she also needs the air to keep her flame alive.  The water to balance her, the moon to cool her down and the sun to feed her flame.

The definitions of fire according to dictionary.com is 

Fire

Noun

1 a state, process, or instance of combustion in which fuel or other material is ignited and combined with oxygen, giving off light, heat, and flame.

2 a burning mass of material, as on a hearth or in a furnace.

3 the destructive burning of a building, town, forest, etc.; configuration.

4 heat used for cooking, especially the lighter burner of a stove: Put the kettle on the fire.

5 Greek fire.

6 flashing light; luminous appearance.

7 brilliance, as of a gem.

8 burning passion; excitement or enthusiasm; adore.

9 liveliness of imagination.

10 fever or inflammation.

11 severe trial or trouble; ordeal

12 exposure to fire as a means of torture or ordeal.

13 strength, as of an alcoholic beverage.

14 a spark or sparks.

15 the discharge of firearms: enemy fire.

16 the effect of firing military weapons: to pour fire upon the enemy.

17 British.

    a gas or electric heater used for heating a room.

18 Literary.

    a luminous object, as a star: heavenly fires.

19 to set on fire.

20 to supply with fuel or attend to the fire of (often followed by up): They fired the boiler.

21 to expose to the action of fire; subject to heat.

22 to apply heat to in a kiln for baking or glazing; burn.

23 to heat very slowly for the purpose of drying, as tea.

24 to inflame, as with passion; fill with ardor (often followed by up)

25 to inspire.

26 to light or cause to flow as if on fire.

27 to discharge (a gun).

28 to project (a bullet or the like) by or as if by discharging from a gun.

29 to subject to explosion or explosive force, as a mine.

30 to cause (a device, machine, etc.) to start working (usually followed by up): I just fired up my new laptop.

31 to hurl; throw: to fire a stone through a window.

32 to dismiss from a job.

33 Veterinary Medicine.

    to apply a heated iron to (the skin) in order to create a local inflammation of the superficial structures, 

    with the intention of favorably affecting deeper inflammatory processes. 

34 to drive out or away by or as by fire.

verb (used without object), fired, firing 

35 to take fire; be kindled.

36 to glow as if on fire.

37 to become inflamed with passion; become excited.

38 to shoot, as a gun.

39 to discharge a gun: to fire at a fleeing enemy.

40 to hurl a projectile.

41 Music.

    to ring the bells of a chime all at once.

42 (of plant leaves) to turn yellow or brown before the plant matures.

43 (of an internal-combustion engine) to cause ignition of the air-fuel mixture in cylinder or cylinders.

44 (of a nerve cell) to discharge an electric impulse.

adjective 

45 Slang.

    cool, excellent, exciting, etc.: it would be so fire if we won those tickets!

I define fire because I am one of the fire signs, an Aries and my mind started firing off, no pun intended.  I then went on to think about all the zodiac signs and how they are split up into the elements of  Fire, Water, Earth and Air.  I'm so interested in astrology and how wildly accurate it can be when I think about the people that I know well and what their signs are.  I've always been into it but here lately I have really been studying it hard. I truly am fire but I also need water, earth and air which is where the first sentence originated from and what sparked this post.  What sign are you and do you fall into which element fire, water, earth or air? 

Lets take a look at the elements and what signs fall under them and a brief description,

Fire Signs (Aires, Leo, Sagittarius) are bold, brash, creative and daring; they can burn too brightly, though, and their tempers run hot.

Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces) are emotional, intuitive, and deeply in touch with their subconscious. At times, they can get overwhelmed in feeling.

Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius) are communicative, sharp, and intellectual, but also prone to overindulging in fantasy and theory. 

Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn) are solid and practical, but also sensual and drawn to material goods. They can be stubborn and unyielding.

Does your element fit you? 

I'm the fire that can burn you up, burn you out or light the way and keep you warm.  They say don't play with fire. I'm here to tell you it can be a risk worth taking.

What do you do with a mind like this?

If I could sit down and write every single time I am inspired through out the day, that would be something.  Although I say that and then I think about what's actually happening during those days that is so inspiring to me.  If I had the opportunity and ability to sit down and write at any point in time, would I even write about the same things? Would I have nothing to write about or would it be different? or better? or worse?  Would I be receiving the amount of inspiration it takes to even spark these thoughts?  Is that what I would really want?  I go onto to think that I'd be inspired in a different way, a better way, a way that maybe would still suck.  That it may still be great but am I willing to risk it,  am I willing to go all in?  I must trust the process.  I repeat that in my mind and it's very common for me to not trust anything.  I can see the failures before they even appear, I can smell them and taste them.  I know that they are real, but are they more real than the feelings I feel when I am letting things drain me and I'm letting things win?  

What does one do with a mind like this? Always thinking, always ticking, always second guessing a means to the end.  You've got to control your mind they say.  You must not let it win.  My mind has got it's own mind and her name is Mattel.

 

Forever Curious

I am forever curious, it's my mission to learn and gain knowledge.  I am so very curious about just the world in general, although there are things that really peak my interest and I delve into researching and learning all I can about them.  I find myself often thinking about ways to bring more light into the world.  To make the difference I so strongly feel I was placed here on Earth to do.  I am slowing getting closer to tapping into that potential and you know its been a tough road.  I had to experience some unfortunate events and experiences to get here.  It's essentially all apart of my journey and being curious about all things was where it all started.  When I was a little girl I remember endless afternoons outside among the plants and the animals, they where my friends. I was drawn to them, I was curious about them, curious about what I knew about them by just spending my time with them.  Talking to them and admiring their beauty and their flaws.  I used to spy on people and write about it in my journal while hidden away in the foliage.  I studied them all and to this day I am still that curious little girl spying on people and being one with nature, always with several pets that happened by chance rather than by choice.  I'm beginning to realize that my pain, my depression is caused by my close bond with the Earth and all of its creatures.  That only those that can feel her pain can be the ones to cure it.  I'm just still working on trying to convince the world that I'm one of those individuals and through my energy, art, writing and all the talents that I behold and my forever curious need to learn more things I will make the difference I so deeply feel I am here to make.  I was driving home from a training today I finished listening to a book by Lolly Daskal called The Leadership Gap and at the end of this book she talks about a place called the City of Hope.  The City of Hope was founded in 1913 and is a National Cancer Institute-designated comprehensive cancer center and founding member of the National Comprehensive Cancer Network being ranked among the nation's "Best Hospitals" in cancer by US News & World Report for over a decade.  She talked about one of the founding leaders, Samuel H. Golter and how he coined the phrase "There is no profit in curing the body if, in the process, we destroy the soul." she goes on to say that those words became City of Hope's credo.  After hearing that phrase the goose bumps nearly flooded my whole entire body.  I knew right then that part of my mission is in helping heal the soul.  That phrase resonates with me to a degree in which I cannot even began to explain.  It moved me in a way that will forever change me and feed into that curiosity.  Officially creating me forever curious. 

Just my Luck

I've allowed too many things to die within me because of shame, because the world worked so hard to try and tame me.  It was only a matter of time before my soul couldn't continue to pay the fees.  The worlds not my keeper, its just the place I have to be for now.  I often wonder how the world would be if it hadn't got sucked into all the greed.  If people actually truly cared about the trees and the bees.  I have such a strong sense of connection with nature that I live in a constant state of misery over the pain that I receive.  I'm trying to figure out how to change it or is that just too much to think? Could that actually be done or is this part of the plan; something that I must be apart of to be able to create the path to healing.  Somedays I realize that I may be the one that needs the healing or maybe I will just be damned to eternity with a souls that's in constant wreckage no matter what.  Just my luck.

So you want to be a writer?

I am extremely inspired to write right now.  As Charles Bukowski states in his poem named, "so you want to be a writer?" I have the poems here so you can read it if you haven't already. This poem resonates so much with me because this is what its like for me, this is what it has always been like.

"if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was."

I write because I have too, it flows through me and onto the page.  I can't even help it and honestly I don't want to. I do plan to share it but only because I feel that it needs to be shared regardless of whatever happens.  I don't share everything either I might add.  I write because its in my blood and it runs through my veins.  It's the most wonderful thing to do especially when I'm sad and blue.  My pain, my feelings, my overabundance of emotions are transpired into words.  I never want it to end.  I always want to be able to write and fly on a whim, take a ride on the words and feel ok again.  The words will forever be the thing that falls right out of me.

I 

 

I'm a Starseed

I always seem to feel more empty when it starts to get cold and the days are shorter.  I try to find ways to keep it away but there's nothing to really do.  I just end up sitting around feeling blue, writing up a bunch of poetry to get me through.  To top it all off there is an epic lunar eclipse coming late tonight and early tomorrow morning.  I have got to go outside and check it out, you know standing outside and looking at the moon is energizing to me.  I couldn't tell you the amount of times I have gone and meditated under the full moon, wrote and recharged.  The summer months are by far my favorite but even though its chilly outside I am going to get bundled up and go experience this rare occurrence.  Tonight we will have a chance to witness the longest partial lunar eclipse in 580 years.  Don't think by me sayin partial that it is anywhere close to that, this lunar eclipse will be pretty much as close as you can get to a total eclipse.  With more than 97 percent of the full moon cast into a red hue by Earth's shadow.  We saw a total lunar eclipse back in May but this one is going to be special.  

So you know what they say about the moon and how it effects our emotions.  That the Earth's magnetic field has a subtle change durning the moon changes and we are receptive to it.  I am very connected to the moon, I feel so connected to it at times that I feel like its a home away from home.  Like I've spent time there and it understands me.  I have said is time and time again that I don't feel like I belong here, like I am from another place.  I have had dreams about it, dreams about when I die I won't go to heaven or hell I will go back to my home plant, that my soul will never die.  I'm still trying to figure out my mission, my purpose and what I am supposed to do while here on Earth.  The depression is just a result of the feeling that I don't belong here and I am not doing my mission, that all I have to do is figure out what my mission is and it will just go away?  

If your are interested in learning more about starseeds or maybe you feel like you are one too.  Check this link out.

http://typicallytopical.com/what-is-a-starseed/

I'd still write it

Even if you'd never read it, I'd still write it. Writing it out is just a way to save it from exiting out of my poor mouth.  Writing for me is my savior, keeping me from feeling unkind.  It gets bottled up, it may start boiling, spewing out all over the place burning everything that stands in it's way.  

To write for me is like setting a bottled up note out to sea.  Doesn't matter what's written on it just as long as its set free.  Doesn't matter that anyone reads it as long as its set free. 

It doesn't cure the depression, it doesn't cure the unlearned lessons.

It does make it bearable to live in this hell.  The hell of my heart, the hell that's in my mind, the hell that creeps up on me while I was doing just fine.  Somedays I ask myself, why do I have to be this way? Why does the pain have to creep in and try to always stay.  It'll pick a room in my head, unpack all its things and spend hours telling me I'm insane that I am not brave, that I will crash and burn.  That I'm not worth everything I work so hard to earn.

I'm human so they say.  I feel more than that most days. You may not understand it and I can't even begin to explain.  Is that why my brain is broken? Is that why I see all the things they don't say? Is that how I know what the bodies resonate.  Why I can feel what you feel? As if it was my own, I can feel it right down to my very bones.  I know how you feel about me, how my energy effects your energy.  

How can I not feel depressed when I am absorbing all of the worlds distress?

     

Souls for Halloween

I've never been someone that ignores their soul, I mean I have done it from time to time but in the end my soul always wins.  I need to learn to follow her all the time, despite the contrary she does know her shit.  In talking about our souls, mine is very drawn to Halloween.  I absolutely love this holiday, its a day that I can use my creative juices to recreate a costume of some of my most favorite people or characters. Although this year I didn't get an actual costume together but I did dress festive. 

If you where to sit with yourself and just listen to what your soul is saying, what exactly is it saying? Follow that voice and stop conforming to everything that you think you need to conform too.  There is so much more to life than what you think you should do.  I am here to tell you to follow your dreams even if it has to be a side gig. Work hard to get to where you're waking up everyday and going out and setting the world on fire.  Thats what we need more of, people following their hearts.

For me Halloween brings out that need to follow my heart and soul.  Halloween is a time to express ourselves and to be wild and free.  A day where it doesn't matter how we show up in the world, as long as we show up.  

And a day that I can dress like a man and it be completely acceptable. 

Did I mention that I love Halloween?

Happy Halloween to all my like minded freaks out there!

Charlotte Bronte started it

Charlotte Bronte. What a brilliant novelist and poet.  The other day I ran across this picture on the internet with this quote from her novel Jane Eyre.  The words and the way that they are written cut right through me like a hot iron as if I could feel exactly what she was insinuating.   I've never actually read this whole book, just bits and pieces of it.  I have just spent one of my audible credits on it and plan to experience this masterpiece once and for all.  I realized that I do this thing when I really get interested in something I will study it, almost become obsessed with it. Also in all of this realization I've come to realize that this is both a gift and a curse. It all just depends on what my brain decides to obsess about and whether that obsession is for the greater good or if it's a form of self destruction.  You learn to manage them, you learn to embrace this gifted curse and know that things could possibly be much worse.  One day I'll be a real writer and not just one that's obsessing.

 

I'm blank

I'm blank. I sank. I fell deep into a depression. I follow. I'm hollow. I can't help that my mind knows nothing but pain. I'm blank. I rank. I fell deep into some kind of depression. I hate it here. I'm sad and I want to give in. I don't want to let you win. I'm blank. There's nothing to see. I'm not worthy. I don't have control. I don't need your soul. I'm blank. Frank. Riding out on waves of emotions. I'm lost. I'm losing. I'm confused and abused and I'm willing to loose. I'd sell every last thing that I own to feel less alone. You don't see me. No one really does. I'm no one to love. I'm blank. I just tank. I want to be better but then I am worse. I'm mentally ill. I'm sick without will. I am the blankest that I've ever been. My hearts broken. It quit working. You hacked it off until it was too thin. You win. I'm blank. Blank as can be. Blanker then anyone could ever be. I'm blank. Watch me tank. Because I'm blank.

Photo Credit: Myself... also this was one of my cactus that is no longer with us like this although I have some of it offspring and it sure was blooming this day. My plants are medicine for my soul. They help me feel less blank.

Dear Secret Listener

 What would the world look like if we all gave more than we took?  If we all became more aware of who and what we are. What would that look like?  I often wonder such things, I often know a lot more about things than I would even like. I often suffer from this and I find myself often caring far too much.  

I don't fit in. I often wonder what it would be like if I was someone different. Why would I ever want that? Why would I ever want to not feel the things that were meant for me. The things that make me want to see, to the end. Where can we win? Where is the beginning and where is the end?

My mind is always running, it runs so fast all day long that I pass out from complete exhaustion.  My mind is a wild thing. Untamed and relentless. Running long distance.  It's deep and a lot. If you love it you must also be a lot. And I love you too. I know that you do. You can hide it even down right deny it.  Keep it a secret, but not from me. 

I felt it. I feel it. I know what you don't say. I hate it. I want it. I can't stop wishing upon it.

I'm angry. Don't blame me. I wish it wasn't this way. 

I don't want things to change but I feel estranged because I wish it wasn't this way.

I'm loosing this war.

I just need to ignore. 

These feelings and all that they say.

You're weighting on me.

You know that you do. 

You know because I am this way to you.

I don't want you to tell me.

But wait yes I do. 

I want to listen to every little thing about you.

Urinetown

 A week from today I will have just finished up taking pleasure in watching ESU Theatre Department's production of Urinetown.  It's their homecoming and every year they invite my Grandfather back to the annual homecoming musical, a rich tradition at Emporia State University.  I have attended I'm guessing more than 50 of my grandfathers plays some of them I don't actually recall as I have been attending since birth. I do in fact have some very vivid memories of my first live theatre moments, very found memories, moments that changed my life. After the production my Grandpa Fred, as we call him, would give us a tour of the set and we got to see down into the orchestra pit and even got to meet the actors, producers, stage hands, make-up artists, costume designers and even the musicians.  I am more than excited to see this show and to see my Grandpa.  He lives in Salt Lake City and I live in Oklahoma so we don't get to see each other very often although we have always stayed connected.  He used to write me letters about his productions, send me the play scripts to some of them even. I enjoyed reading through them and would imagine the story in my head.  One of my favorites was The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.  I still have that one honestly and I want to say he sent me the script for this play we are about to see Urinetown by Greg Kotis but I am not sure that I still have that one or I may have read his copy while staying with them one summer.  We used to visit SLC each summer for two weeks, those weeks are full of a lot of Wonderfull memories as well. I want to approach him about working on a biography, I want to go on and on in this blog post about the little details of his time at ESU and if I remember right it was a beautiful 27 years although his career literally only ended like 3 years ago, that's me guessing again.  I don't want to guess about it I want to know dates and times and even more details than I even already know and I want to record these conversations and turn them into art. I truly believe he's lived such an amazing life it should be captured and shared. All of it, even the darkest moments.  He's wonderful and I just can't wait to see him in a week.  He's really an inspiration. 

Check out this link to view the Theatre named after him.  I don't think that this production will take place there, usually this one is bigger and they do it at Albert Taylor Hall. The picture below is my brothers and I with our Grandpa Fred the night they officially opened it.

https://www.emporia.edu/department-liberal-arts-sciences/theatre/theatres/theaters/ronald-q-frederickson-theatre/

A picture of my Brothers and I with our Grandpa Fred at the Celebration and Ceremony of the opening of the Ronald Q. Frederickson Theatre in January of 2001, coming up in January of 2022 it is the 21st Birthday of this beautiful Black Box Theatre.

Energy

I caught myself the other day expending so much energy on shit that just doesn't matter.  Like it was an epiphany that just came over me all of a sudden and thank goodness for it.  I've been using my energy like complete shit so no wonder I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I'm not because I have no energy to do the shit that matters.  I'm just kicking myself a little bit here.  Telling myself the hard shit, taking in all those hard feelings and using them for the greater good and not letting it drain my energy.  There are so many energy vampires out there.  

"I have no time for things that have no soul"- Charles Bukowski

This quote comes to my mind in talking about wasting energy.  To me he is saying just that, I will not waste energy on things that are menial.  I need substance before I go extending my delicate energy on you or anything really.  As a matter of fact, that's the trick isn't? To learn who and what and how to use our energy for the greater good, for the good of ourselves and for the good of mankind.  If one is using their energy and extending it in the wrong ways and in the wrong direction the whole system, the whole balance is off and we amount to nothing.  Our purpose is null and void.  Our lives mean nothing and therefore we are nothing, nothing more than a body using up others energy and yet then becoming an energy vulture ourselves trying not to dry and shrivel up.  It becomes this vicious cycle of energy sucking and then hating ourselves because we have succumb to that very thing that we are striving not be, an energy sucking machine that this world is building and feeding and using to lower the standards of society.  I won't do it, I won't be that person but yet there I was playing the game.  Finding myself dishing out energy servings from my own stash for those that where never worth it. For those that would never be worth it, those that just love the thought of me because I make them feel good, because I make them feel grand.  Then there I was all that was left of me was a shell of the person that I once was.  I'm done, completely and utterly done with that bullshit! I'm working on healing and reenergizing myself back to the artist, the happy girl that wanted to lasso the world and tame it while I ride it around to better all things that I come into contact with.  

Energy is sacred, its magical and it's not meant to be something we just hand out like candy at a parade. 

Energy is a wonderful thing.  The moon is energy the ground is energy and you are energy.  Use it wisely and use it kindly and don't go around demanding it out of others, its something that is meant to be earned and if you come across someone not willing to earn it, then move on.  There are the ones that will take some but also give some right back.  Thats where you need to go, that's who you need by your side.  

I don't want to be sad

 I don't want to be sad.  I don't ever want to get that bad that I spend my days searching for ways to feel rad.  If you can't make me happy.  I'll secretly wish that you had and then we will go back to just being a fad. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to look back and think about what I had and what I didn't like as if it even made a difference.  If you can't make me happy.  Why the hell are you here? To show me around this place of fear or wish me to death while I miserably  feel all the pain that's inside.  Somedays all I want to do is hide. Tucked away, safe and sound.  Connecting to the ground.  Someday I'll come around. You lack motivation. You lack the ability for sticking around. I don't want to be sad. I want to do the things that I so much desire.  But all I do is hide her. Please someone come find her.