Souls for Halloween

I've never been someone that ignores their soul, I mean I have done it from time to time but in the end my soul always wins.  I need to learn to follow her all the time, despite the contrary she does know her shit.  In talking about our souls, mine is very drawn to Halloween.  I absolutely love this holiday, its a day that I can use my creative juices to recreate a costume of some of my most favorite people or characters. Although this year I didn't get an actual costume together but I did dress festive. 

If you where to sit with yourself and just listen to what your soul is saying, what exactly is it saying? Follow that voice and stop conforming to everything that you think you need to conform too.  There is so much more to life than what you think you should do.  I am here to tell you to follow your dreams even if it has to be a side gig. Work hard to get to where you're waking up everyday and going out and setting the world on fire.  Thats what we need more of, people following their hearts.

For me Halloween brings out that need to follow my heart and soul.  Halloween is a time to express ourselves and to be wild and free.  A day where it doesn't matter how we show up in the world, as long as we show up.  

And a day that I can dress like a man and it be completely acceptable. 

Did I mention that I love Halloween?

Happy Halloween to all my like minded freaks out there!

Charlotte Bronte started it

Charlotte Bronte. What a brilliant novelist and poet.  The other day I ran across this picture on the internet with this quote from her novel Jane Eyre.  The words and the way that they are written cut right through me like a hot iron as if I could feel exactly what she was insinuating.   I've never actually read this whole book, just bits and pieces of it.  I have just spent one of my audible credits on it and plan to experience this masterpiece once and for all.  I realized that I do this thing when I really get interested in something I will study it, almost become obsessed with it. Also in all of this realization I've come to realize that this is both a gift and a curse. It all just depends on what my brain decides to obsess about and whether that obsession is for the greater good or if it's a form of self destruction.  You learn to manage them, you learn to embrace this gifted curse and know that things could possibly be much worse.  One day I'll be a real writer and not just one that's obsessing.

 

I'm blank

I'm blank. I sank. I fell deep into a depression. I follow. I'm hollow. I can't help that my mind knows nothing but pain. I'm blank. I rank. I fell deep into some kind of depression. I hate it here. I'm sad and I want to give in. I don't want to let you win. I'm blank. There's nothing to see. I'm not worthy. I don't have control. I don't need your soul. I'm blank. Frank. Riding out on waves of emotions. I'm lost. I'm losing. I'm confused and abused and I'm willing to loose. I'd sell every last thing that I own to feel less alone. You don't see me. No one really does. I'm no one to love. I'm blank. I just tank. I want to be better but then I am worse. I'm mentally ill. I'm sick without will. I am the blankest that I've ever been. My hearts broken. It quit working. You hacked it off until it was too thin. You win. I'm blank. Blank as can be. Blanker then anyone could ever be. I'm blank. Watch me tank. Because I'm blank.

Photo Credit: Myself... also this was one of my cactus that is no longer with us like this although I have some of it offspring and it sure was blooming this day. My plants are medicine for my soul. They help me feel less blank.

Dear Secret Listener

 What would the world look like if we all gave more than we took?  If we all became more aware of who and what we are. What would that look like?  I often wonder such things, I often know a lot more about things than I would even like. I often suffer from this and I find myself often caring far too much.  

I don't fit in. I often wonder what it would be like if I was someone different. Why would I ever want that? Why would I ever want to not feel the things that were meant for me. The things that make me want to see, to the end. Where can we win? Where is the beginning and where is the end?

My mind is always running, it runs so fast all day long that I pass out from complete exhaustion.  My mind is a wild thing. Untamed and relentless. Running long distance.  It's deep and a lot. If you love it you must also be a lot. And I love you too. I know that you do. You can hide it even down right deny it.  Keep it a secret, but not from me. 

I felt it. I feel it. I know what you don't say. I hate it. I want it. I can't stop wishing upon it.

I'm angry. Don't blame me. I wish it wasn't this way. 

I don't want things to change but I feel estranged because I wish it wasn't this way.

I'm loosing this war.

I just need to ignore. 

These feelings and all that they say.

You're weighting on me.

You know that you do. 

You know because I am this way to you.

I don't want you to tell me.

But wait yes I do. 

I want to listen to every little thing about you.

Urinetown

 A week from today I will have just finished up taking pleasure in watching ESU Theatre Department's production of Urinetown.  It's their homecoming and every year they invite my Grandfather back to the annual homecoming musical, a rich tradition at Emporia State University.  I have attended I'm guessing more than 50 of my grandfathers plays some of them I don't actually recall as I have been attending since birth. I do in fact have some very vivid memories of my first live theatre moments, very found memories, moments that changed my life. After the production my Grandpa Fred, as we call him, would give us a tour of the set and we got to see down into the orchestra pit and even got to meet the actors, producers, stage hands, make-up artists, costume designers and even the musicians.  I am more than excited to see this show and to see my Grandpa.  He lives in Salt Lake City and I live in Oklahoma so we don't get to see each other very often although we have always stayed connected.  He used to write me letters about his productions, send me the play scripts to some of them even. I enjoyed reading through them and would imagine the story in my head.  One of my favorites was The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.  I still have that one honestly and I want to say he sent me the script for this play we are about to see Urinetown by Greg Kotis but I am not sure that I still have that one or I may have read his copy while staying with them one summer.  We used to visit SLC each summer for two weeks, those weeks are full of a lot of Wonderfull memories as well. I want to approach him about working on a biography, I want to go on and on in this blog post about the little details of his time at ESU and if I remember right it was a beautiful 27 years although his career literally only ended like 3 years ago, that's me guessing again.  I don't want to guess about it I want to know dates and times and even more details than I even already know and I want to record these conversations and turn them into art. I truly believe he's lived such an amazing life it should be captured and shared. All of it, even the darkest moments.  He's wonderful and I just can't wait to see him in a week.  He's really an inspiration. 

Check out this link to view the Theatre named after him.  I don't think that this production will take place there, usually this one is bigger and they do it at Albert Taylor Hall. The picture below is my brothers and I with our Grandpa Fred the night they officially opened it.

https://www.emporia.edu/department-liberal-arts-sciences/theatre/theatres/theaters/ronald-q-frederickson-theatre/

A picture of my Brothers and I with our Grandpa Fred at the Celebration and Ceremony of the opening of the Ronald Q. Frederickson Theatre in January of 2001, coming up in January of 2022 it is the 21st Birthday of this beautiful Black Box Theatre.