So you want to be a writer?

I am extremely inspired to write right now.  As Charles Bukowski states in his poem named, "so you want to be a writer?" I have the poems here so you can read it if you haven't already. This poem resonates so much with me because this is what its like for me, this is what it has always been like.

"if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was."

I write because I have too, it flows through me and onto the page.  I can't even help it and honestly I don't want to. I do plan to share it but only because I feel that it needs to be shared regardless of whatever happens.  I don't share everything either I might add.  I write because its in my blood and it runs through my veins.  It's the most wonderful thing to do especially when I'm sad and blue.  My pain, my feelings, my overabundance of emotions are transpired into words.  I never want it to end.  I always want to be able to write and fly on a whim, take a ride on the words and feel ok again.  The words will forever be the thing that falls right out of me.

I 

 

I'm a Starseed

I always seem to feel more empty when it starts to get cold and the days are shorter.  I try to find ways to keep it away but there's nothing to really do.  I just end up sitting around feeling blue, writing up a bunch of poetry to get me through.  To top it all off there is an epic lunar eclipse coming late tonight and early tomorrow morning.  I have got to go outside and check it out, you know standing outside and looking at the moon is energizing to me.  I couldn't tell you the amount of times I have gone and meditated under the full moon, wrote and recharged.  The summer months are by far my favorite but even though its chilly outside I am going to get bundled up and go experience this rare occurrence.  Tonight we will have a chance to witness the longest partial lunar eclipse in 580 years.  Don't think by me sayin partial that it is anywhere close to that, this lunar eclipse will be pretty much as close as you can get to a total eclipse.  With more than 97 percent of the full moon cast into a red hue by Earth's shadow.  We saw a total lunar eclipse back in May but this one is going to be special.  

So you know what they say about the moon and how it effects our emotions.  That the Earth's magnetic field has a subtle change durning the moon changes and we are receptive to it.  I am very connected to the moon, I feel so connected to it at times that I feel like its a home away from home.  Like I've spent time there and it understands me.  I have said is time and time again that I don't feel like I belong here, like I am from another place.  I have had dreams about it, dreams about when I die I won't go to heaven or hell I will go back to my home plant, that my soul will never die.  I'm still trying to figure out my mission, my purpose and what I am supposed to do while here on Earth.  The depression is just a result of the feeling that I don't belong here and I am not doing my mission, that all I have to do is figure out what my mission is and it will just go away?  

If your are interested in learning more about starseeds or maybe you feel like you are one too.  Check this link out.

http://typicallytopical.com/what-is-a-starseed/

I'd still write it

Even if you'd never read it, I'd still write it. Writing it out is just a way to save it from exiting out of my poor mouth.  Writing for me is my savior, keeping me from feeling unkind.  It gets bottled up, it may start boiling, spewing out all over the place burning everything that stands in it's way.  

To write for me is like setting a bottled up note out to sea.  Doesn't matter what's written on it just as long as its set free.  Doesn't matter that anyone reads it as long as its set free. 

It doesn't cure the depression, it doesn't cure the unlearned lessons.

It does make it bearable to live in this hell.  The hell of my heart, the hell that's in my mind, the hell that creeps up on me while I was doing just fine.  Somedays I ask myself, why do I have to be this way? Why does the pain have to creep in and try to always stay.  It'll pick a room in my head, unpack all its things and spend hours telling me I'm insane that I am not brave, that I will crash and burn.  That I'm not worth everything I work so hard to earn.

I'm human so they say.  I feel more than that most days. You may not understand it and I can't even begin to explain.  Is that why my brain is broken? Is that why I see all the things they don't say? Is that how I know what the bodies resonate.  Why I can feel what you feel? As if it was my own, I can feel it right down to my very bones.  I know how you feel about me, how my energy effects your energy.  

How can I not feel depressed when I am absorbing all of the worlds distress?

     

Souls for Halloween

I've never been someone that ignores their soul, I mean I have done it from time to time but in the end my soul always wins.  I need to learn to follow her all the time, despite the contrary she does know her shit.  In talking about our souls, mine is very drawn to Halloween.  I absolutely love this holiday, its a day that I can use my creative juices to recreate a costume of some of my most favorite people or characters. Although this year I didn't get an actual costume together but I did dress festive. 

If you where to sit with yourself and just listen to what your soul is saying, what exactly is it saying? Follow that voice and stop conforming to everything that you think you need to conform too.  There is so much more to life than what you think you should do.  I am here to tell you to follow your dreams even if it has to be a side gig. Work hard to get to where you're waking up everyday and going out and setting the world on fire.  Thats what we need more of, people following their hearts.

For me Halloween brings out that need to follow my heart and soul.  Halloween is a time to express ourselves and to be wild and free.  A day where it doesn't matter how we show up in the world, as long as we show up.  

And a day that I can dress like a man and it be completely acceptable. 

Did I mention that I love Halloween?

Happy Halloween to all my like minded freaks out there!

Charlotte Bronte started it

Charlotte Bronte. What a brilliant novelist and poet.  The other day I ran across this picture on the internet with this quote from her novel Jane Eyre.  The words and the way that they are written cut right through me like a hot iron as if I could feel exactly what she was insinuating.   I've never actually read this whole book, just bits and pieces of it.  I have just spent one of my audible credits on it and plan to experience this masterpiece once and for all.  I realized that I do this thing when I really get interested in something I will study it, almost become obsessed with it. Also in all of this realization I've come to realize that this is both a gift and a curse. It all just depends on what my brain decides to obsess about and whether that obsession is for the greater good or if it's a form of self destruction.  You learn to manage them, you learn to embrace this gifted curse and know that things could possibly be much worse.  One day I'll be a real writer and not just one that's obsessing.

 

I'm blank

I'm blank. I sank. I fell deep into a depression. I follow. I'm hollow. I can't help that my mind knows nothing but pain. I'm blank. I rank. I fell deep into some kind of depression. I hate it here. I'm sad and I want to give in. I don't want to let you win. I'm blank. There's nothing to see. I'm not worthy. I don't have control. I don't need your soul. I'm blank. Frank. Riding out on waves of emotions. I'm lost. I'm losing. I'm confused and abused and I'm willing to loose. I'd sell every last thing that I own to feel less alone. You don't see me. No one really does. I'm no one to love. I'm blank. I just tank. I want to be better but then I am worse. I'm mentally ill. I'm sick without will. I am the blankest that I've ever been. My hearts broken. It quit working. You hacked it off until it was too thin. You win. I'm blank. Blank as can be. Blanker then anyone could ever be. I'm blank. Watch me tank. Because I'm blank.

Photo Credit: Myself... also this was one of my cactus that is no longer with us like this although I have some of it offspring and it sure was blooming this day. My plants are medicine for my soul. They help me feel less blank.

Dear Secret Listener

 What would the world look like if we all gave more than we took?  If we all became more aware of who and what we are. What would that look like?  I often wonder such things, I often know a lot more about things than I would even like. I often suffer from this and I find myself often caring far too much.  

I don't fit in. I often wonder what it would be like if I was someone different. Why would I ever want that? Why would I ever want to not feel the things that were meant for me. The things that make me want to see, to the end. Where can we win? Where is the beginning and where is the end?

My mind is always running, it runs so fast all day long that I pass out from complete exhaustion.  My mind is a wild thing. Untamed and relentless. Running long distance.  It's deep and a lot. If you love it you must also be a lot. And I love you too. I know that you do. You can hide it even down right deny it.  Keep it a secret, but not from me. 

I felt it. I feel it. I know what you don't say. I hate it. I want it. I can't stop wishing upon it.

I'm angry. Don't blame me. I wish it wasn't this way. 

I don't want things to change but I feel estranged because I wish it wasn't this way.

I'm loosing this war.

I just need to ignore. 

These feelings and all that they say.

You're weighting on me.

You know that you do. 

You know because I am this way to you.

I don't want you to tell me.

But wait yes I do. 

I want to listen to every little thing about you.

Urinetown

 A week from today I will have just finished up taking pleasure in watching ESU Theatre Department's production of Urinetown.  It's their homecoming and every year they invite my Grandfather back to the annual homecoming musical, a rich tradition at Emporia State University.  I have attended I'm guessing more than 50 of my grandfathers plays some of them I don't actually recall as I have been attending since birth. I do in fact have some very vivid memories of my first live theatre moments, very found memories, moments that changed my life. After the production my Grandpa Fred, as we call him, would give us a tour of the set and we got to see down into the orchestra pit and even got to meet the actors, producers, stage hands, make-up artists, costume designers and even the musicians.  I am more than excited to see this show and to see my Grandpa.  He lives in Salt Lake City and I live in Oklahoma so we don't get to see each other very often although we have always stayed connected.  He used to write me letters about his productions, send me the play scripts to some of them even. I enjoyed reading through them and would imagine the story in my head.  One of my favorites was The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.  I still have that one honestly and I want to say he sent me the script for this play we are about to see Urinetown by Greg Kotis but I am not sure that I still have that one or I may have read his copy while staying with them one summer.  We used to visit SLC each summer for two weeks, those weeks are full of a lot of Wonderfull memories as well. I want to approach him about working on a biography, I want to go on and on in this blog post about the little details of his time at ESU and if I remember right it was a beautiful 27 years although his career literally only ended like 3 years ago, that's me guessing again.  I don't want to guess about it I want to know dates and times and even more details than I even already know and I want to record these conversations and turn them into art. I truly believe he's lived such an amazing life it should be captured and shared. All of it, even the darkest moments.  He's wonderful and I just can't wait to see him in a week.  He's really an inspiration. 

Check out this link to view the Theatre named after him.  I don't think that this production will take place there, usually this one is bigger and they do it at Albert Taylor Hall. The picture below is my brothers and I with our Grandpa Fred the night they officially opened it.

https://www.emporia.edu/department-liberal-arts-sciences/theatre/theatres/theaters/ronald-q-frederickson-theatre/

A picture of my Brothers and I with our Grandpa Fred at the Celebration and Ceremony of the opening of the Ronald Q. Frederickson Theatre in January of 2001, coming up in January of 2022 it is the 21st Birthday of this beautiful Black Box Theatre.

Energy

I caught myself the other day expending so much energy on shit that just doesn't matter.  Like it was an epiphany that just came over me all of a sudden and thank goodness for it.  I've been using my energy like complete shit so no wonder I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I'm not because I have no energy to do the shit that matters.  I'm just kicking myself a little bit here.  Telling myself the hard shit, taking in all those hard feelings and using them for the greater good and not letting it drain my energy.  There are so many energy vampires out there.  

"I have no time for things that have no soul"- Charles Bukowski

This quote comes to my mind in talking about wasting energy.  To me he is saying just that, I will not waste energy on things that are menial.  I need substance before I go extending my delicate energy on you or anything really.  As a matter of fact, that's the trick isn't? To learn who and what and how to use our energy for the greater good, for the good of ourselves and for the good of mankind.  If one is using their energy and extending it in the wrong ways and in the wrong direction the whole system, the whole balance is off and we amount to nothing.  Our purpose is null and void.  Our lives mean nothing and therefore we are nothing, nothing more than a body using up others energy and yet then becoming an energy vulture ourselves trying not to dry and shrivel up.  It becomes this vicious cycle of energy sucking and then hating ourselves because we have succumb to that very thing that we are striving not be, an energy sucking machine that this world is building and feeding and using to lower the standards of society.  I won't do it, I won't be that person but yet there I was playing the game.  Finding myself dishing out energy servings from my own stash for those that where never worth it. For those that would never be worth it, those that just love the thought of me because I make them feel good, because I make them feel grand.  Then there I was all that was left of me was a shell of the person that I once was.  I'm done, completely and utterly done with that bullshit! I'm working on healing and reenergizing myself back to the artist, the happy girl that wanted to lasso the world and tame it while I ride it around to better all things that I come into contact with.  

Energy is sacred, its magical and it's not meant to be something we just hand out like candy at a parade. 

Energy is a wonderful thing.  The moon is energy the ground is energy and you are energy.  Use it wisely and use it kindly and don't go around demanding it out of others, its something that is meant to be earned and if you come across someone not willing to earn it, then move on.  There are the ones that will take some but also give some right back.  Thats where you need to go, that's who you need by your side.  

I don't want to be sad

 I don't want to be sad.  I don't ever want to get that bad that I spend my days searching for ways to feel rad.  If you can't make me happy.  I'll secretly wish that you had and then we will go back to just being a fad. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to look back and think about what I had and what I didn't like as if it even made a difference.  If you can't make me happy.  Why the hell are you here? To show me around this place of fear or wish me to death while I miserably  feel all the pain that's inside.  Somedays all I want to do is hide. Tucked away, safe and sound.  Connecting to the ground.  Someday I'll come around. You lack motivation. You lack the ability for sticking around. I don't want to be sad. I want to do the things that I so much desire.  But all I do is hide her. Please someone come find her. 

Find me on all Social Media Platforms

 

If you have found your way to this blog, I invite you to find your way to my other social media platforms. They are full of adventure, nature, love, sadness, hope, art, words and it doesn't even end there.  I'll wear my heart out keeping it on my sleeve.  I spent the evening doing a pop up shop with my handmade leather earrings.  I sold a few and in my book these days selling one pair is a win, so with that being said tonight was a big WIN. I want so badly to be an artist full time.  I have got to be patient with myself, my day will come and I will not give up! I have given up so many times, that's not even an option anymore.  Making art makes me happy, it breaths the life back into me when the world has sucked me dry.  I won't let not selling it bring me down.  I say that I still feel down sometimes about it but I won't allow it to win.  I'm on a mission to be an artist full time, nothing is going to stand in my way, nothing is going to stop me this time.  I'm learning to disassociate myself from those feelings as they aren't permanent and I refuse to let them win.  Have you ever come to a place in your life where you are like you know what I am so sick and tired of being a victim.  Telling myself that my arts not good which is why I can't sell it. It's all total BULLSHIT! I'm just playing the victim, poor me. blah. blah. I know what it takes to be successful and playing the victim and saying poor me has not worked out thus far so I'm pretty positive that it's not ever going to work.  I'm now telling myself that my art is worthy of purchase.  I have what it takes.  If you have ever been in a dark place remember, to appreciate the light we must first make peace with the dark.  

FeAr

I'm so scared all the time yet I'm reckless and impulsive.  I want to succeed but I'm too scared to pursue what makes me happy, my passions and my strengths.  I'll just chase that dollar, I'll chase it straight up a tree and then take a peak down when I am almost at the top. I'm not scared of heights but the way I react would make you think otherwise as I then will gradually come down, I'll climb my way back down out of that tree and why you ask? Because of fear.  Thats right I said it, FEAR.  What is it that I am afraid of? It's failing!  I'll half ass it and do ok, just scrape by.  Work myself into the ground trying to do it all.  I have to change my life. I have to change the way I see fear and failure.  I feel at a loss actually because I really have no idea what that even consists of.  Have you ever felt this way? Sometimes I feel all alone in  my heart.  All alone in my soul. All alone is the way that I feel like the world should go.  I don't know how many times I may say this in my life, but its so hard for me to live in this world.  There must be an easier way, one far easier than this.  How do I accept my true self to shine through, how do I make myself happy when I am blue?  I need disciple.  I need to find myself backed into a corner and the only way to get out is to become the original you.  The one who doesn't meet failure with impending doom.  The you that was there before the world got its hands on you.  I'm stuck in this limbo. My dreams take the dollar but the dollar takes my dreams.  Do I continue to let fear win? Do I put in the hard work that its going to take to live the life I have always wanted or will I continue to suffer and hand over my life and my time to a dying world or will I finally make my own? I am asking you these questions as if you'd have the answer but really I just needed to get it off my chest, release it into the wild. To soar through your mind.  To pulse in your heart.  To inspire you to believe there is more to life than feeling like you aren't doing what you're suppose to.  I can't let fear win.  Fear has won too many times already.  I CANNOT LET FEAR WIN!

So many words

I'm full of so many words yet I let them build up inside me like a beautifully crafted brick wall with all the different colors of reds and each brick laid up there so perfect in all of its uniqueness, yet so lonely and unnoticed.  I build the wall but I don't ever reveal it, that's my problem. I spend all my time, my energy, my money and resources on making myself feel better that in the end all I am really doing is making myself feel bad.  I am here to reorganize my life, my priorities and my own well being. I won't feel bad for doing the things I need to do for myself and I won't take any shit off of anyone that doesn't value or appreciate me.  I'm going to start making myself really unavailable to a lot of people and I'll get some backlash but I am ready for it.  I am ready to watch them squirm around like they wish they had never questioned me.  I want to help but I'm done being taken advantage of.  I seem to find myself in these types of situations more than I would like to admit.  It's one of my toxic traits, help out others so much that you end up forgetting to help yourself.  A part of me has always hidden away my love for writing.  I think back on my childhood and one thing becomes very clear, I spent a lot of time writing.  I never really finished anything but I found so much joy in it.  Even in high school and college when it came up to having to write a paper, I wasn't even mad, actually quite relived because then I knew what I was doing, for the most part when it came to writing a paper.  Words just kind of flow out of me although they can be such a disorganized mess when they first pour out.  My mind works in all different directions, bouncing around like a pinball in a machine.  The words just brilliantly falling out of my mind and onto the paper, full of jumps and curve balls.  Crushed by the mere thoughts of inadequacy are the words that wanted to make the page or paper but sorely feel short.  If I wrote a book would you read it? Do you even read this blog?  Do you even care what I have to say? The intrusive thoughts might crush me and my dreams, but I will lay there crushed but only because the crushing is how the beauty even finds the paper or the words even accumulate in my mind.  Without being crushed I'm not sure the words would even form.  I used to hate the distress of my own mind, my own thoughts and emotions.  I realized though that in that distress is where I find my best creative work.  I'll never seek out despair, I'll never have too, it will always find its way to me.  Thats all the hope I need. 

It's a poem alright

All I want to do is just write.

Write about nothing 

Write about you

All I want to do is just feel.

feel rather funny 

feel rather blue

All I want to do is be real.

real about nonsense 

real about this process

All I want to do is believe. 

believe there is kindness 

believe there's a thrill 

All I want to do is just write.

Write about everything 

Write about you

There's a poem. 

There's always a poem.

My whole damn life.

Inspiration is everywhere.

Breaking Point

 All I ever wanted was to feel alive.  I wanted to save the world until I realized that it doesn't want to be saved. I now wonder why I am here, what's my purpose in this world if I never get a voice.  If I never get a chance to tell you why it hurts.  To live in this world is to live in hell but without hell we wouldn't try so hard to find a way out.  A way out of this misery a way out of the mess.  Looking towards the future forgetting there's a past.  Living in the present but not really being there.  The worlds this crazy place and I find comfort in writing out the pain.  

Nov. 29. 2020 Breaking Point 

I've been trying to find my purpose, what really makes me tick.

I work and work and work at it but never get the hint.

I end up just giving it away just to hit my breaking point

And then running far away.

Timing isn't everything, it's actually quit insane.

I've been trying to find my purpose, to know why I am here.

I've always felt the need for greatness 

And as I fail, I flake.

It just ends up being me self destructing again

And it's all because I caved.