I can pin point the depression these days. I recognize it as it is and not how I wish it would be. I use it as the fuel to create, too rid myself of hate. I don't understand how I can be so selfless and selfish. How I can miss the things that aren't good for me while I suffocate what is. How I obsess over you, how I wish you'd tell me how it is. I'm nothing but short of okay. I am this person that really is useless in every single way. That I have true love but continue to wish it away. How I have this yearning for freedom like I am stuck in a cage. I built this cage with my anxiety, with my depression, with my fears of being great. I can pin point what's good for me and I can ignore it all in the same day. I am hot and cold, thick and thin, rich and poor, a coward and I'm brave, I can be everything you needed and I can also not be anything. I can post my face and you like it but my words don't seem to mean anything. This feeling of being completely sad is a feeling I can't ever seem to chase away.
Sunday, November 13, 2022
Tuesday, October 11, 2022
I'm Crazy and Halloween's my favorite
I think I most definitely have a love hate relationship with this time of year. Halloween is my most favorite holiday, I absolutely love being able to start wearing jackets, sweaters, gloves and beanies which I love, although I hate being cold. It's a conundrum of the grandest kind. I probably am that. A conundrum. A weirdo. Eccentric. Vulgar. Transparent. Radical. Methodical. Curious. Humane. Empathetic. Energetic. Poetic. Rejected. Wondering. Pondering. Ethical. Insane. No one really understands my name. I happened to veer off into another random lane. That's pretty normal I suppose, I criss cross on which way my mind goes. Why do you come to my blog, do you think I am a cog?
Oh well whatever it is, I'm also here for it, so I am glad you are too.
I am just as nosey as you.
Tuesday, October 4, 2022
Demons
We are all trying to fight our demons, shaming them into little boxes, telling them that we have no use for them. Acting like they are a weakness when we should really be embracing them, training them, getting to know them but most of all controlling them. That's the trick right? Mastering our inner most thoughts and feelings, you see those demons are just the parts of you that want out, that want to be heard, that need you to show up. Just like our parents showed up for us or didn't, whatever the case may be. Our demons are like the child still in us, begging to be heard, begging to be seen. When we ignore those feelings they morph into what I like to call demons and they show up with the intent to wreck us. To wreck us with a slap back to reality. Listen I say. Listen to the demons of your soul. Listen to get better, listen to understand them. The only way to master them is to get personal with them, get real, own your thoughts or they will end up owning you. We hear the word demon and we are shaken to our core. Society wants you to be sacred of them, they don't want you to get to know them. Knowing your demons is how you master your own life. They don't want you to master a thing, they want you to be mastered by them. They want you to run scared and hide, they want you to be shaking in your boots at the mere thought of someone blaming you for the things you cannot hide. The demons are everywhere, outside, inside, under your bed, in your closet, in the corners, and in your head. We are all trying to fight our demons but instead we should be inviting them to eat at our table, to sleep in our bed, to take a walk with us, to bath in our water, to live in our heads. The world is a demon and if we can't master them and learn to live in harmony with the demons in our heads, we won't go anywhere, we won't win the good fight. We will only be sad souls wishing that we had never lived our lives.
Monday, April 11, 2022
A Good Cry
So you should just have a good cry
tell all of them goodbye
they say that they care
but then they continue
to slowly wear
on your
heart
I just let them tear mine apart
like I don't even care
about me
I
do things that are mean
but it's because
you keep
hurting
my
soul
with your inability
to care about
why I am
even here
where do we draw the line
where do we decide
that being alone
is better
than
feeling like you don't care
I love you they say
then they do things
that prove it
but then they do things that
disapprove
it
what does it all fucking mean?
I'm angry, I'm sad and I'm crying
I don't want to feel like I'm dying
why do I do this
why do I think
that there
is anyone out there
that is actually
everything
I need
I don't get to have it all
I am all of it
I am horrible
I am ugly
I deserve
this
I even
earned it
just a good cry is all that I need.
Wednesday, April 6, 2022
Some People
Some people only love you because of the way you make them feel.
If by chance you don't make them feel that way one time. Well you are wrong.
Some people only care about you because of what you bring to the table.
If by chance you can't bring to the table what they need. Well you are wrong.
Some people only need you to need them so they don't feel so sad.
If by chance you show any sign of not needing them. Well you are wrong.
Some people can't communicate their feelings unless you force them too.
If by some chance you provide a safe space for them to communicate how they feel. Well you are wrong.
Some people seek out ways to not be miserable everyday.
If by chance you can relate. Well you are wrong.
Don't mistake some people for people that can stay.
Don't mistake some people for people that truly love you.
Don't mistake some people for people that are good for you.
Don't mistake your kindness for trying anyways.
Monday, March 28, 2022
Tragic
Saturday, February 26, 2022
She's Fire
She's fire that needs the earth to sustain her but she also needs the air to keep her flame alive. The water to balance her, the moon to cool her down and the sun to feed her flame.
The definitions of fire according to dictionary.com is
Fire
Noun
1 a state, process, or instance of combustion in which fuel or other material is ignited and combined with oxygen, giving off light, heat, and flame.
2 a burning mass of material, as on a hearth or in a furnace.
3 the destructive burning of a building, town, forest, etc.; configuration.
4 heat used for cooking, especially the lighter burner of a stove: Put the kettle on the fire.
5 Greek fire.
6 flashing light; luminous appearance.
7 brilliance, as of a gem.
8 burning passion; excitement or enthusiasm; adore.
9 liveliness of imagination.
10 fever or inflammation.
11 severe trial or trouble; ordeal
12 exposure to fire as a means of torture or ordeal.
13 strength, as of an alcoholic beverage.
14 a spark or sparks.
15 the discharge of firearms: enemy fire.
16 the effect of firing military weapons: to pour fire upon the enemy.
17 British.
a gas or electric heater used for heating a room.
18 Literary.
a luminous object, as a star: heavenly fires.
19 to set on fire.
20 to supply with fuel or attend to the fire of (often followed by up): They fired the boiler.
21 to expose to the action of fire; subject to heat.
22 to apply heat to in a kiln for baking or glazing; burn.
23 to heat very slowly for the purpose of drying, as tea.
24 to inflame, as with passion; fill with ardor (often followed by up)
25 to inspire.
26 to light or cause to flow as if on fire.
27 to discharge (a gun).
28 to project (a bullet or the like) by or as if by discharging from a gun.
29 to subject to explosion or explosive force, as a mine.
30 to cause (a device, machine, etc.) to start working (usually followed by up): I just fired up my new laptop.
31 to hurl; throw: to fire a stone through a window.
32 to dismiss from a job.
33 Veterinary Medicine.
to apply a heated iron to (the skin) in order to create a local inflammation of the superficial structures,
with the intention of favorably affecting deeper inflammatory processes.
34 to drive out or away by or as by fire.
verb (used without object), fired, firing
35 to take fire; be kindled.
36 to glow as if on fire.
37 to become inflamed with passion; become excited.
38 to shoot, as a gun.
39 to discharge a gun: to fire at a fleeing enemy.
40 to hurl a projectile.
41 Music.
to ring the bells of a chime all at once.
42 (of plant leaves) to turn yellow or brown before the plant matures.
43 (of an internal-combustion engine) to cause ignition of the air-fuel mixture in cylinder or cylinders.
44 (of a nerve cell) to discharge an electric impulse.
adjective
45 Slang.
cool, excellent, exciting, etc.: it would be so fire if we won those tickets!
I define fire because I am one of the fire signs, an Aries and my mind started firing off, no pun intended. I then went on to think about all the zodiac signs and how they are split up into the elements of Fire, Water, Earth and Air. I'm so interested in astrology and how wildly accurate it can be when I think about the people that I know well and what their signs are. I've always been into it but here lately I have really been studying it hard. I truly am fire but I also need water, earth and air which is where the first sentence originated from and what sparked this post. What sign are you and do you fall into which element fire, water, earth or air?
Lets take a look at the elements and what signs fall under them and a brief description,
Fire Signs (Aires, Leo, Sagittarius) are bold, brash, creative and daring; they can burn too brightly, though, and their tempers run hot.
Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces) are emotional, intuitive, and deeply in touch with their subconscious. At times, they can get overwhelmed in feeling.
Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius) are communicative, sharp, and intellectual, but also prone to overindulging in fantasy and theory.
Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn) are solid and practical, but also sensual and drawn to material goods. They can be stubborn and unyielding.
Does your element fit you?
I'm the fire that can burn you up, burn you out or light the way and keep you warm. They say don't play with fire. I'm here to tell you it can be a risk worth taking.