Tragic

A whole month has passed by without a post, I've had many ideas but making myself sit down and write is the oddest chore of my life.  I love to write but it takes me time, time I don't have. That's the tragic truth here, that I wholeheartedly put it on the back burner constantly and to think it is one of the things I am good at.  That's what I do with everything that's good, I put it off, I push it to the side, I don't make the time.  Tragic.

I seem to do a lot of tragic things really.  My life is the most beautiful, most tragic thing I have ever known. 

My life, my art, my heart and my soul. Tragic.

Tragic in the most beautiful way.

I should go write a poem about this very moment, the moment I realized that my sorrow is actually my strength.  That my art is the only thing actually keeping me sane.  That my heart is full of love no matter what.  That my life is not that bad.  That I shouldn't really be this sad.  

Tragic they say but the tragedy is the teacher.  Teaching all of the things, no matter where we go there will be something tragic, just be sure to find the magic. It follows in its place.

She's Fire

She's fire that needs the earth to sustain her but she also needs the air to keep her flame alive.  The water to balance her, the moon to cool her down and the sun to feed her flame.

The definitions of fire according to dictionary.com is 

Fire

Noun

1 a state, process, or instance of combustion in which fuel or other material is ignited and combined with oxygen, giving off light, heat, and flame.

2 a burning mass of material, as on a hearth or in a furnace.

3 the destructive burning of a building, town, forest, etc.; configuration.

4 heat used for cooking, especially the lighter burner of a stove: Put the kettle on the fire.

5 Greek fire.

6 flashing light; luminous appearance.

7 brilliance, as of a gem.

8 burning passion; excitement or enthusiasm; adore.

9 liveliness of imagination.

10 fever or inflammation.

11 severe trial or trouble; ordeal

12 exposure to fire as a means of torture or ordeal.

13 strength, as of an alcoholic beverage.

14 a spark or sparks.

15 the discharge of firearms: enemy fire.

16 the effect of firing military weapons: to pour fire upon the enemy.

17 British.

    a gas or electric heater used for heating a room.

18 Literary.

    a luminous object, as a star: heavenly fires.

19 to set on fire.

20 to supply with fuel or attend to the fire of (often followed by up): They fired the boiler.

21 to expose to the action of fire; subject to heat.

22 to apply heat to in a kiln for baking or glazing; burn.

23 to heat very slowly for the purpose of drying, as tea.

24 to inflame, as with passion; fill with ardor (often followed by up)

25 to inspire.

26 to light or cause to flow as if on fire.

27 to discharge (a gun).

28 to project (a bullet or the like) by or as if by discharging from a gun.

29 to subject to explosion or explosive force, as a mine.

30 to cause (a device, machine, etc.) to start working (usually followed by up): I just fired up my new laptop.

31 to hurl; throw: to fire a stone through a window.

32 to dismiss from a job.

33 Veterinary Medicine.

    to apply a heated iron to (the skin) in order to create a local inflammation of the superficial structures, 

    with the intention of favorably affecting deeper inflammatory processes. 

34 to drive out or away by or as by fire.

verb (used without object), fired, firing 

35 to take fire; be kindled.

36 to glow as if on fire.

37 to become inflamed with passion; become excited.

38 to shoot, as a gun.

39 to discharge a gun: to fire at a fleeing enemy.

40 to hurl a projectile.

41 Music.

    to ring the bells of a chime all at once.

42 (of plant leaves) to turn yellow or brown before the plant matures.

43 (of an internal-combustion engine) to cause ignition of the air-fuel mixture in cylinder or cylinders.

44 (of a nerve cell) to discharge an electric impulse.

adjective 

45 Slang.

    cool, excellent, exciting, etc.: it would be so fire if we won those tickets!

I define fire because I am one of the fire signs, an Aries and my mind started firing off, no pun intended.  I then went on to think about all the zodiac signs and how they are split up into the elements of  Fire, Water, Earth and Air.  I'm so interested in astrology and how wildly accurate it can be when I think about the people that I know well and what their signs are.  I've always been into it but here lately I have really been studying it hard. I truly am fire but I also need water, earth and air which is where the first sentence originated from and what sparked this post.  What sign are you and do you fall into which element fire, water, earth or air? 

Lets take a look at the elements and what signs fall under them and a brief description,

Fire Signs (Aires, Leo, Sagittarius) are bold, brash, creative and daring; they can burn too brightly, though, and their tempers run hot.

Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces) are emotional, intuitive, and deeply in touch with their subconscious. At times, they can get overwhelmed in feeling.

Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius) are communicative, sharp, and intellectual, but also prone to overindulging in fantasy and theory. 

Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn) are solid and practical, but also sensual and drawn to material goods. They can be stubborn and unyielding.

Does your element fit you? 

I'm the fire that can burn you up, burn you out or light the way and keep you warm.  They say don't play with fire. I'm here to tell you it can be a risk worth taking.

What do you do with a mind like this?

If I could sit down and write every single time I am inspired through out the day, that would be something.  Although I say that and then I think about what's actually happening during those days that is so inspiring to me.  If I had the opportunity and ability to sit down and write at any point in time, would I even write about the same things? Would I have nothing to write about or would it be different? or better? or worse?  Would I be receiving the amount of inspiration it takes to even spark these thoughts?  Is that what I would really want?  I go onto to think that I'd be inspired in a different way, a better way, a way that maybe would still suck.  That it may still be great but am I willing to risk it,  am I willing to go all in?  I must trust the process.  I repeat that in my mind and it's very common for me to not trust anything.  I can see the failures before they even appear, I can smell them and taste them.  I know that they are real, but are they more real than the feelings I feel when I am letting things drain me and I'm letting things win?  

What does one do with a mind like this? Always thinking, always ticking, always second guessing a means to the end.  You've got to control your mind they say.  You must not let it win.  My mind has got it's own mind and her name is Mattel.

 

Forever Curious

I am forever curious, it's my mission to learn and gain knowledge.  I am so very curious about just the world in general, although there are things that really peak my interest and I delve into researching and learning all I can about them.  I find myself often thinking about ways to bring more light into the world.  To make the difference I so strongly feel I was placed here on Earth to do.  I am slowing getting closer to tapping into that potential and you know its been a tough road.  I had to experience some unfortunate events and experiences to get here.  It's essentially all apart of my journey and being curious about all things was where it all started.  When I was a little girl I remember endless afternoons outside among the plants and the animals, they where my friends. I was drawn to them, I was curious about them, curious about what I knew about them by just spending my time with them.  Talking to them and admiring their beauty and their flaws.  I used to spy on people and write about it in my journal while hidden away in the foliage.  I studied them all and to this day I am still that curious little girl spying on people and being one with nature, always with several pets that happened by chance rather than by choice.  I'm beginning to realize that my pain, my depression is caused by my close bond with the Earth and all of its creatures.  That only those that can feel her pain can be the ones to cure it.  I'm just still working on trying to convince the world that I'm one of those individuals and through my energy, art, writing and all the talents that I behold and my forever curious need to learn more things I will make the difference I so deeply feel I am here to make.  I was driving home from a training today I finished listening to a book by Lolly Daskal called The Leadership Gap and at the end of this book she talks about a place called the City of Hope.  The City of Hope was founded in 1913 and is a National Cancer Institute-designated comprehensive cancer center and founding member of the National Comprehensive Cancer Network being ranked among the nation's "Best Hospitals" in cancer by US News & World Report for over a decade.  She talked about one of the founding leaders, Samuel H. Golter and how he coined the phrase "There is no profit in curing the body if, in the process, we destroy the soul." she goes on to say that those words became City of Hope's credo.  After hearing that phrase the goose bumps nearly flooded my whole entire body.  I knew right then that part of my mission is in helping heal the soul.  That phrase resonates with me to a degree in which I cannot even began to explain.  It moved me in a way that will forever change me and feed into that curiosity.  Officially creating me forever curious. 

Just my Luck

I've allowed too many things to die within me because of shame, because the world worked so hard to try and tame me.  It was only a matter of time before my soul couldn't continue to pay the fees.  The worlds not my keeper, its just the place I have to be for now.  I often wonder how the world would be if it hadn't got sucked into all the greed.  If people actually truly cared about the trees and the bees.  I have such a strong sense of connection with nature that I live in a constant state of misery over the pain that I receive.  I'm trying to figure out how to change it or is that just too much to think? Could that actually be done or is this part of the plan; something that I must be apart of to be able to create the path to healing.  Somedays I realize that I may be the one that needs the healing or maybe I will just be damned to eternity with a souls that's in constant wreckage no matter what.  Just my luck.

So you want to be a writer?

I am extremely inspired to write right now.  As Charles Bukowski states in his poem named, "so you want to be a writer?" I have the poems here so you can read it if you haven't already. This poem resonates so much with me because this is what its like for me, this is what it has always been like.

"if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was."

I write because I have too, it flows through me and onto the page.  I can't even help it and honestly I don't want to. I do plan to share it but only because I feel that it needs to be shared regardless of whatever happens.  I don't share everything either I might add.  I write because its in my blood and it runs through my veins.  It's the most wonderful thing to do especially when I'm sad and blue.  My pain, my feelings, my overabundance of emotions are transpired into words.  I never want it to end.  I always want to be able to write and fly on a whim, take a ride on the words and feel ok again.  The words will forever be the thing that falls right out of me.

I 

 

I'm a Starseed

I always seem to feel more empty when it starts to get cold and the days are shorter.  I try to find ways to keep it away but there's nothing to really do.  I just end up sitting around feeling blue, writing up a bunch of poetry to get me through.  To top it all off there is an epic lunar eclipse coming late tonight and early tomorrow morning.  I have got to go outside and check it out, you know standing outside and looking at the moon is energizing to me.  I couldn't tell you the amount of times I have gone and meditated under the full moon, wrote and recharged.  The summer months are by far my favorite but even though its chilly outside I am going to get bundled up and go experience this rare occurrence.  Tonight we will have a chance to witness the longest partial lunar eclipse in 580 years.  Don't think by me sayin partial that it is anywhere close to that, this lunar eclipse will be pretty much as close as you can get to a total eclipse.  With more than 97 percent of the full moon cast into a red hue by Earth's shadow.  We saw a total lunar eclipse back in May but this one is going to be special.  

So you know what they say about the moon and how it effects our emotions.  That the Earth's magnetic field has a subtle change durning the moon changes and we are receptive to it.  I am very connected to the moon, I feel so connected to it at times that I feel like its a home away from home.  Like I've spent time there and it understands me.  I have said is time and time again that I don't feel like I belong here, like I am from another place.  I have had dreams about it, dreams about when I die I won't go to heaven or hell I will go back to my home plant, that my soul will never die.  I'm still trying to figure out my mission, my purpose and what I am supposed to do while here on Earth.  The depression is just a result of the feeling that I don't belong here and I am not doing my mission, that all I have to do is figure out what my mission is and it will just go away?  

If your are interested in learning more about starseeds or maybe you feel like you are one too.  Check this link out.

http://typicallytopical.com/what-is-a-starseed/