I'm blank

I'm blank. I sank. I fell deep into a depression. I follow. I'm hollow. I can't help that my mind knows nothing but pain. I'm blank. I rank. I fell deep into some kind of depression. I hate it here. I'm sad and I want to give in. I don't want to let you win. I'm blank. There's nothing to see. I'm not worthy. I don't have control. I don't need your soul. I'm blank. Frank. Riding out on waves of emotions. I'm lost. I'm losing. I'm confused and abused and I'm willing to loose. I'd sell every last thing that I own to feel less alone. You don't see me. No one really does. I'm no one to love. I'm blank. I just tank. I want to be better but then I am worse. I'm mentally ill. I'm sick without will. I am the blankest that I've ever been. My hearts broken. It quit working. You hacked it off until it was too thin. You win. I'm blank. Blank as can be. Blanker then anyone could ever be. I'm blank. Watch me tank. Because I'm blank.

Photo Credit: Myself... also this was one of my cactus that is no longer with us like this although I have some of it offspring and it sure was blooming this day. My plants are medicine for my soul. They help me feel less blank.

Dear Secret Listener

 What would the world look like if we all gave more than we took?  If we all became more aware of who and what we are. What would that look like?  I often wonder such things, I often know a lot more about things than I would even like. I often suffer from this and I find myself often caring far too much.  

I don't fit in. I often wonder what it would be like if I was someone different. Why would I ever want that? Why would I ever want to not feel the things that were meant for me. The things that make me want to see, to the end. Where can we win? Where is the beginning and where is the end?

My mind is always running, it runs so fast all day long that I pass out from complete exhaustion.  My mind is a wild thing. Untamed and relentless. Running long distance.  It's deep and a lot. If you love it you must also be a lot. And I love you too. I know that you do. You can hide it even down right deny it.  Keep it a secret, but not from me. 

I felt it. I feel it. I know what you don't say. I hate it. I want it. I can't stop wishing upon it.

I'm angry. Don't blame me. I wish it wasn't this way. 

I don't want things to change but I feel estranged because I wish it wasn't this way.

I'm loosing this war.

I just need to ignore. 

These feelings and all that they say.

You're weighting on me.

You know that you do. 

You know because I am this way to you.

I don't want you to tell me.

But wait yes I do. 

I want to listen to every little thing about you.

Urinetown

 A week from today I will have just finished up taking pleasure in watching ESU Theatre Department's production of Urinetown.  It's their homecoming and every year they invite my Grandfather back to the annual homecoming musical, a rich tradition at Emporia State University.  I have attended I'm guessing more than 50 of my grandfathers plays some of them I don't actually recall as I have been attending since birth. I do in fact have some very vivid memories of my first live theatre moments, very found memories, moments that changed my life. After the production my Grandpa Fred, as we call him, would give us a tour of the set and we got to see down into the orchestra pit and even got to meet the actors, producers, stage hands, make-up artists, costume designers and even the musicians.  I am more than excited to see this show and to see my Grandpa.  He lives in Salt Lake City and I live in Oklahoma so we don't get to see each other very often although we have always stayed connected.  He used to write me letters about his productions, send me the play scripts to some of them even. I enjoyed reading through them and would imagine the story in my head.  One of my favorites was The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.  I still have that one honestly and I want to say he sent me the script for this play we are about to see Urinetown by Greg Kotis but I am not sure that I still have that one or I may have read his copy while staying with them one summer.  We used to visit SLC each summer for two weeks, those weeks are full of a lot of Wonderfull memories as well. I want to approach him about working on a biography, I want to go on and on in this blog post about the little details of his time at ESU and if I remember right it was a beautiful 27 years although his career literally only ended like 3 years ago, that's me guessing again.  I don't want to guess about it I want to know dates and times and even more details than I even already know and I want to record these conversations and turn them into art. I truly believe he's lived such an amazing life it should be captured and shared. All of it, even the darkest moments.  He's wonderful and I just can't wait to see him in a week.  He's really an inspiration. 

Check out this link to view the Theatre named after him.  I don't think that this production will take place there, usually this one is bigger and they do it at Albert Taylor Hall. The picture below is my brothers and I with our Grandpa Fred the night they officially opened it.

https://www.emporia.edu/department-liberal-arts-sciences/theatre/theatres/theaters/ronald-q-frederickson-theatre/

A picture of my Brothers and I with our Grandpa Fred at the Celebration and Ceremony of the opening of the Ronald Q. Frederickson Theatre in January of 2001, coming up in January of 2022 it is the 21st Birthday of this beautiful Black Box Theatre.

Energy

I caught myself the other day expending so much energy on shit that just doesn't matter.  Like it was an epiphany that just came over me all of a sudden and thank goodness for it.  I've been using my energy like complete shit so no wonder I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I'm not because I have no energy to do the shit that matters.  I'm just kicking myself a little bit here.  Telling myself the hard shit, taking in all those hard feelings and using them for the greater good and not letting it drain my energy.  There are so many energy vampires out there.  

"I have no time for things that have no soul"- Charles Bukowski

This quote comes to my mind in talking about wasting energy.  To me he is saying just that, I will not waste energy on things that are menial.  I need substance before I go extending my delicate energy on you or anything really.  As a matter of fact, that's the trick isn't? To learn who and what and how to use our energy for the greater good, for the good of ourselves and for the good of mankind.  If one is using their energy and extending it in the wrong ways and in the wrong direction the whole system, the whole balance is off and we amount to nothing.  Our purpose is null and void.  Our lives mean nothing and therefore we are nothing, nothing more than a body using up others energy and yet then becoming an energy vulture ourselves trying not to dry and shrivel up.  It becomes this vicious cycle of energy sucking and then hating ourselves because we have succumb to that very thing that we are striving not be, an energy sucking machine that this world is building and feeding and using to lower the standards of society.  I won't do it, I won't be that person but yet there I was playing the game.  Finding myself dishing out energy servings from my own stash for those that where never worth it. For those that would never be worth it, those that just love the thought of me because I make them feel good, because I make them feel grand.  Then there I was all that was left of me was a shell of the person that I once was.  I'm done, completely and utterly done with that bullshit! I'm working on healing and reenergizing myself back to the artist, the happy girl that wanted to lasso the world and tame it while I ride it around to better all things that I come into contact with.  

Energy is sacred, its magical and it's not meant to be something we just hand out like candy at a parade. 

Energy is a wonderful thing.  The moon is energy the ground is energy and you are energy.  Use it wisely and use it kindly and don't go around demanding it out of others, its something that is meant to be earned and if you come across someone not willing to earn it, then move on.  There are the ones that will take some but also give some right back.  Thats where you need to go, that's who you need by your side.  

I don't want to be sad

 I don't want to be sad.  I don't ever want to get that bad that I spend my days searching for ways to feel rad.  If you can't make me happy.  I'll secretly wish that you had and then we will go back to just being a fad. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to look back and think about what I had and what I didn't like as if it even made a difference.  If you can't make me happy.  Why the hell are you here? To show me around this place of fear or wish me to death while I miserably  feel all the pain that's inside.  Somedays all I want to do is hide. Tucked away, safe and sound.  Connecting to the ground.  Someday I'll come around. You lack motivation. You lack the ability for sticking around. I don't want to be sad. I want to do the things that I so much desire.  But all I do is hide her. Please someone come find her. 

Find me on all Social Media Platforms

 

If you have found your way to this blog, I invite you to find your way to my other social media platforms. They are full of adventure, nature, love, sadness, hope, art, words and it doesn't even end there.  I'll wear my heart out keeping it on my sleeve.  I spent the evening doing a pop up shop with my handmade leather earrings.  I sold a few and in my book these days selling one pair is a win, so with that being said tonight was a big WIN. I want so badly to be an artist full time.  I have got to be patient with myself, my day will come and I will not give up! I have given up so many times, that's not even an option anymore.  Making art makes me happy, it breaths the life back into me when the world has sucked me dry.  I won't let not selling it bring me down.  I say that I still feel down sometimes about it but I won't allow it to win.  I'm on a mission to be an artist full time, nothing is going to stand in my way, nothing is going to stop me this time.  I'm learning to disassociate myself from those feelings as they aren't permanent and I refuse to let them win.  Have you ever come to a place in your life where you are like you know what I am so sick and tired of being a victim.  Telling myself that my arts not good which is why I can't sell it. It's all total BULLSHIT! I'm just playing the victim, poor me. blah. blah. I know what it takes to be successful and playing the victim and saying poor me has not worked out thus far so I'm pretty positive that it's not ever going to work.  I'm now telling myself that my art is worthy of purchase.  I have what it takes.  If you have ever been in a dark place remember, to appreciate the light we must first make peace with the dark.  

FeAr

I'm so scared all the time yet I'm reckless and impulsive.  I want to succeed but I'm too scared to pursue what makes me happy, my passions and my strengths.  I'll just chase that dollar, I'll chase it straight up a tree and then take a peak down when I am almost at the top. I'm not scared of heights but the way I react would make you think otherwise as I then will gradually come down, I'll climb my way back down out of that tree and why you ask? Because of fear.  Thats right I said it, FEAR.  What is it that I am afraid of? It's failing!  I'll half ass it and do ok, just scrape by.  Work myself into the ground trying to do it all.  I have to change my life. I have to change the way I see fear and failure.  I feel at a loss actually because I really have no idea what that even consists of.  Have you ever felt this way? Sometimes I feel all alone in  my heart.  All alone in my soul. All alone is the way that I feel like the world should go.  I don't know how many times I may say this in my life, but its so hard for me to live in this world.  There must be an easier way, one far easier than this.  How do I accept my true self to shine through, how do I make myself happy when I am blue?  I need disciple.  I need to find myself backed into a corner and the only way to get out is to become the original you.  The one who doesn't meet failure with impending doom.  The you that was there before the world got its hands on you.  I'm stuck in this limbo. My dreams take the dollar but the dollar takes my dreams.  Do I continue to let fear win? Do I put in the hard work that its going to take to live the life I have always wanted or will I continue to suffer and hand over my life and my time to a dying world or will I finally make my own? I am asking you these questions as if you'd have the answer but really I just needed to get it off my chest, release it into the wild. To soar through your mind.  To pulse in your heart.  To inspire you to believe there is more to life than feeling like you aren't doing what you're suppose to.  I can't let fear win.  Fear has won too many times already.  I CANNOT LET FEAR WIN!