What do you do with a mind like this?

If I could sit down and write every single time I am inspired through out the day, that would be something.  Although I say that and then I think about what's actually happening during those days that is so inspiring to me.  If I had the opportunity and ability to sit down and write at any point in time, would I even write about the same things? Would I have nothing to write about or would it be different? or better? or worse?  Would I be receiving the amount of inspiration it takes to even spark these thoughts?  Is that what I would really want?  I go onto to think that I'd be inspired in a different way, a better way, a way that maybe would still suck.  That it may still be great but am I willing to risk it,  am I willing to go all in?  I must trust the process.  I repeat that in my mind and it's very common for me to not trust anything.  I can see the failures before they even appear, I can smell them and taste them.  I know that they are real, but are they more real than the feelings I feel when I am letting things drain me and I'm letting things win?  

What does one do with a mind like this? Always thinking, always ticking, always second guessing a means to the end.  You've got to control your mind they say.  You must not let it win.  My mind has got it's own mind and her name is Mattel.

 

Forever Curious

I am forever curious, it's my mission to learn and gain knowledge.  I am so very curious about just the world in general, although there are things that really peak my interest and I delve into researching and learning all I can about them.  I find myself often thinking about ways to bring more light into the world.  To make the difference I so strongly feel I was placed here on Earth to do.  I am slowing getting closer to tapping into that potential and you know its been a tough road.  I had to experience some unfortunate events and experiences to get here.  It's essentially all apart of my journey and being curious about all things was where it all started.  When I was a little girl I remember endless afternoons outside among the plants and the animals, they where my friends. I was drawn to them, I was curious about them, curious about what I knew about them by just spending my time with them.  Talking to them and admiring their beauty and their flaws.  I used to spy on people and write about it in my journal while hidden away in the foliage.  I studied them all and to this day I am still that curious little girl spying on people and being one with nature, always with several pets that happened by chance rather than by choice.  I'm beginning to realize that my pain, my depression is caused by my close bond with the Earth and all of its creatures.  That only those that can feel her pain can be the ones to cure it.  I'm just still working on trying to convince the world that I'm one of those individuals and through my energy, art, writing and all the talents that I behold and my forever curious need to learn more things I will make the difference I so deeply feel I am here to make.  I was driving home from a training today I finished listening to a book by Lolly Daskal called The Leadership Gap and at the end of this book she talks about a place called the City of Hope.  The City of Hope was founded in 1913 and is a National Cancer Institute-designated comprehensive cancer center and founding member of the National Comprehensive Cancer Network being ranked among the nation's "Best Hospitals" in cancer by US News & World Report for over a decade.  She talked about one of the founding leaders, Samuel H. Golter and how he coined the phrase "There is no profit in curing the body if, in the process, we destroy the soul." she goes on to say that those words became City of Hope's credo.  After hearing that phrase the goose bumps nearly flooded my whole entire body.  I knew right then that part of my mission is in helping heal the soul.  That phrase resonates with me to a degree in which I cannot even began to explain.  It moved me in a way that will forever change me and feed into that curiosity.  Officially creating me forever curious. 

Just my Luck

I've allowed too many things to die within me because of shame, because the world worked so hard to try and tame me.  It was only a matter of time before my soul couldn't continue to pay the fees.  The worlds not my keeper, its just the place I have to be for now.  I often wonder how the world would be if it hadn't got sucked into all the greed.  If people actually truly cared about the trees and the bees.  I have such a strong sense of connection with nature that I live in a constant state of misery over the pain that I receive.  I'm trying to figure out how to change it or is that just too much to think? Could that actually be done or is this part of the plan; something that I must be apart of to be able to create the path to healing.  Somedays I realize that I may be the one that needs the healing or maybe I will just be damned to eternity with a souls that's in constant wreckage no matter what.  Just my luck.