2020 Made History

 I can't help but to want to just write about 2020.  I mean for heaven's sake it has definitely made the history books but its also made history in my own personal life too.  I do know one thing going into 2021 is I will never ever say... 'said upcoming year is' and I quote "going to be my year, the best one yet!" I look back now and I laugh hysterically, partially because I've learned one of my defense mechanisms is making jokes, laughing or making light of things that just plain suck and there is really nothing funny about it but if I don't find something funny about it then I'll get all emotional, in my feelings and get depressed.  Have I told you that I struggle with that you know depression and anxiety to the point that I have let it control so much of my life its truly sad really.  That I've drank myself stupid too many times to count, that I have drowned the very thing that produces some of my best artwork or poetry.  That I am so worried about you, the critic that I allowed myself to stop doing what I love and doing it with a purpose and not just for me to be happy but to bring joy to others that may need it just as much as I do.  Let's just get real I needed 2020.  I needed this year to jolt me back to my truth to my purpose before I let all the world get its hold on me.  I needed 2020 to be complete shit and now I am sure you are laughing with me because what crazy person would really be grateful for such as year.  I said halfway through this year that 2020 is the year of reckoning and I truly believe that and not just for me but for a lot of people.  I needed 2020 to set the record straight once and for all though, to show me that I am not meant for this world which is why it is so hard for me to live here, to stop fighting it and just accept it for what it is. I was meant to heal things, to make things I come into contact with better in this world.  I will always feel unfulfilled with my life if I don't pursue my truth.  I can't let things break me so far down that I loose that part of myself again.  If I loose that I loose everything.  Just as writing this post is like my online journaling, as I heal myself with all my thoughts of 2020 I can only hope whoever may come across this blog post and reads it gets a little laugh or a spark of joy or maybe just makes them smile a little.  All I can hope is that it helps someone because it's helping me just sitting down at my computer and writing it down and getting it out of my head.  My head is a wild place and my dreams definitely reflect that.  So as we near the end of 2020 I say leave this year and all the bullshit behind and plan on doing the things that really matter in 2021 regardless of what they all say.