2020 Made History

 I can't help but to want to just write about 2020.  I mean for heaven's sake it has definitely made the history books but its also made history in my own personal life too.  I do know one thing going into 2021 is I will never ever say... 'said upcoming year is' and I quote "going to be my year, the best one yet!" I look back now and I laugh hysterically, partially because I've learned one of my defense mechanisms is making jokes, laughing or making light of things that just plain suck and there is really nothing funny about it but if I don't find something funny about it then I'll get all emotional, in my feelings and get depressed.  Have I told you that I struggle with that you know depression and anxiety to the point that I have let it control so much of my life its truly sad really.  That I've drank myself stupid too many times to count, that I have drowned the very thing that produces some of my best artwork or poetry.  That I am so worried about you, the critic that I allowed myself to stop doing what I love and doing it with a purpose and not just for me to be happy but to bring joy to others that may need it just as much as I do.  Let's just get real I needed 2020.  I needed this year to jolt me back to my truth to my purpose before I let all the world get its hold on me.  I needed 2020 to be complete shit and now I am sure you are laughing with me because what crazy person would really be grateful for such as year.  I said halfway through this year that 2020 is the year of reckoning and I truly believe that and not just for me but for a lot of people.  I needed 2020 to set the record straight once and for all though, to show me that I am not meant for this world which is why it is so hard for me to live here, to stop fighting it and just accept it for what it is. I was meant to heal things, to make things I come into contact with better in this world.  I will always feel unfulfilled with my life if I don't pursue my truth.  I can't let things break me so far down that I loose that part of myself again.  If I loose that I loose everything.  Just as writing this post is like my online journaling, as I heal myself with all my thoughts of 2020 I can only hope whoever may come across this blog post and reads it gets a little laugh or a spark of joy or maybe just makes them smile a little.  All I can hope is that it helps someone because it's helping me just sitting down at my computer and writing it down and getting it out of my head.  My head is a wild place and my dreams definitely reflect that.  So as we near the end of 2020 I say leave this year and all the bullshit behind and plan on doing the things that really matter in 2021 regardless of what they all say. 

A Girl I Know

Let me tell you about a girl I know that loved someone so much that she lost her soul.

Let me tell you about a girl I know that followed her heart only to be broken inside.

Let me tell you about a girl I know who tried to saved the world despite all the lies.

Let me tell you about a girl I know who cries on the inside for being too nice.

Let me tell you about a girl I know that reaches for the stars with nowhere to go.

Let me tell you about a girl I know that sees through the lines but looses her mind.

She's one-of-a-kind, one hell of a ride, someone to desire and not blink an eye.

It's Almost 2021

 I literally just went back and read through all of my old blog posts and I have to laugh at myself a bit because I am the biggest broken record.  At one point I even set a date for my first podcast to be slated to start Feb. 2019 and here we are like three months away from Feb. 2021 and I have yet to start my podcast. I am a bit of a joke at times. I should just stop with all the talking and just do the shit.  I waste so much time, why do I do that?  I wish I knew and had an answer for you.  I had 7 blog posts in the year 2019 and here I am closing in on number 5 for the year 2020.  Did I mention that I started this Blogger in 2009?  What happened to all the talk about I am going to write more?  I will admit that I have written some poetry this year and what a year it has been!!  Although this year has been complete shit in some ways it also has been one of the best years that has ever happened to me.  It has woken me up from my culture induced coma I'd say I have been in for about 10 years now.  Somewhere along the way I got lost, I lost my truth and what I was meant to do in this life.  In a sense I lost myself.  I'm not made for this world, I don't belong here but yet here I am, I'm here to make a difference although I am still trying to figure out exactly what that is.  Maybe in the year 2021 I will be able to have that answer and maybe I will spend all my time here on Earth searching for it.  I may never find it and right now I'm ok with that.  I may never sell another painting, write that book, publish my poems or start that podcast.  It's humiliating to think about it really but I am working on not letting that get to me so much.  To say, you know what fuck it, I am going to keep doing it because it makes me happy.  If I can't make a living doing it then so be it.  I guess it just is what it is and it wasn't meant for me but don't you ever think that means that I won't stop trying because I won't.  Did I mention I am a hard headed redhead?  Well now you know.  Bring it on 2021, I am ready for the adventures that await me!

What is it you want

I've always wanted to be an artist, make my living doing all the things that I love.  Wishful thinking I guess.  That's the kind of thing people like me only dream about.  I would be lying if I said that it didn't hurt my soul when my attempts to sell my creations fall short.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent some time crying over it.  My art, in its various forms, all started with a feeling an emotion something that sparked something in me.  I feel the need to capture it.  My artwork bleeds emotion I always say and in reality my artwork is an emotion and to think that my art doesn't spark enough joy in you that you would spend your hard earned money on it just makes me really sad.  Sure, its a blow to my ego, I'd yet again be lying if I said it wasn't.  On the other hand I consider it partly my fault for not promoting it but its hard to want to spend time putting something out there that you feel like nobody wants.  I'll just sit here and spill my heart out to you, become completely consumed in my humiliation for a moment.  Maybe by finding the courage and strength to over come the helpless feelings and just make my art anyway because what it is that I want is to make it and then sell it but if I can't make the selling part work for me I will choose to at least not let it work against me.  If I can't be successful financially with my various forms of art then what it is that I want is for it to bring peace, to help heal and restore the people that it comes into contact with. I want it to tell you a story, one that will live on in you forever whether you buy it or not.  Making it brings me so much joy I have to choose that joy and then choose to not let it be destroyed within me.  

Synchronicity

I've been in this state of confusion for far too long.  Living a life that's not meant for me.  As I have begun to break free from that confusion I have noticed so many synchronicities happening all around me.  Part of me thinks I've just become more aware of the things around me and some of them are just so amazing and rare that I feel as though they are signs from my spirit guides reassuring me that I am on the right path.  I am doing exactly what I need to be doing in that exact moment.  I have been seeing consecutive numbers especially 111, 1111, 222, 333, 444, 555, 777, 888.  The one I have been seeing the most is 222 and based on my research of the angel number 222 it has the energy of cooperation and balance, which balance was something that I was totally out of wack with.  I need to get back to finding my balance in all aspects of my life.  I have been having some strange and wonderful encounters with nature and especially birds here lately.  The two most significant occurrences where with hummingbirds and they happened exactly one week apart on a Sunday and almost around the same time of day.  While visiting my Mother back home not this past Sunday but the Sunday before she, my grandma and I where sitting on their back porch when a hummingbird showed up to the feeder my Grandma had just got, it was such a magical experience, now fast forward to this past Sunday.  It was my husband and I's 6 year anniversary and we decided to sit and enjoy our yard and the area that we are turning into what I am calling Paradise.  There is a little pond that we have expanded and added another pond and a pump so the sound of running water is always happening.  There are wonderful flowers happening everywhere.  It's just the beginning of a beautiful place to reset and recharge.  While we where sitting there enjoying the peace and watching a couple cardinals I started to tell my husband about my experience the Sunday before with the hummingbird on my families back porch and then wouldn't you know I saw another hummingbird buzz up around my 4 O'Clocks literally seconds after finishing my story to my husband!  I was amazed by what had happened, it was almost like that same little hummingbird came to visit me in my own yard as if we had connected that day.  I could go on and on about all of the synchronicities, as a matter of fact as I am typing this the time is showing 2:22.  All I do know is that I must be on the right path to be able to see and experience all of these and I can't and I won't stop here.  I'm having the most wonderful spiritual awakening and I can tell you it has not been easy but it has been worth it.  I feel alive again.

Finding Yourself Again

Sometimes you have to loose yourself to find yourself again.  Crazy concept right? I bet you are thinking I'm some insane person that's off their rocker but I'm not.  I'm just a girl searching for answers and seeking knowledge everyday, trying to be a better person than I was yesterday.  I always come to this crossroad and the cycle than repeats.  It's brutal and soul wrecking. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do I do this to myself?  I don't have all the answers although I wish that I did, that would make things so much easier, but one thing I have realized about life, it's not easy. The journey is hard and it can bring you to some of the darkest places.  Places no one wants to find themselves in.  While reading my late paternal grandmothers journals that my grandfather transcribed and gifted me in a paperback book that he got printed up.  With pictures of the homes they lived in and a picture of her on the Front.  While reading it I came across a sentence that changed my life, it was exactly what I needed to hear or better yet needed to read.  It was written sometime in the 80s.  She states and I quote "I must use the strength I have to find the strength I need."  It resonated with me on the most surreal level.  I've always felt connected to her, I do have a few fond memories that are still vivid in my mind, she died when I was 4.  She's a beautiful writer and I aspire to be that.  One thing is we are always learning, always growing and always evolving.  Life, let it be a beautiful thing even after or our passing.  Souls live on forever and what a beautiful thing that is.  We're always finding ourselves in some sense of the way, its a ride, an adventure, a journey.  We just have to let go and let it be all of that.

New Year, New Me

Happy New Year!! I haven't blogged for a while, go ahead and laugh at me because I swore last year that I would spend more time blogging and on a real note I didn't spend diddly squat doing it.  Why is that because... I am horrible at breaking bad habits and starting good new ones.  I love to write, always have but I spend very little time doing it.  I have decided though that you can't write a story that doesn't have an ending yet but I can write about the things I am passionate about.  For example I have been super interested in Reiki lately and want to become a Reiki master, I want to help people, I mean really help them! Whether its through Reiki or writing these blogs giving people hope or just putting myself out there to be completely torn apart.  I want you to come here and read these blogs and leave with a better sense of who you are and what you are meant to be or do or both.  I am all about holistic medicine you must heal your whole self, we spend all this time and money treating the symptoms and we don't take in to consideration that we must heal our whole self, mind, body, spirit and emotions.  I will keep you posted as I will be taking some classes to learn how to do this.  Call me crazy but this is the year that I won't be giving two fucks!