I don't want to be sad

 I don't want to be sad.  I don't ever want to get that bad that I spend my days searching for ways to feel rad.  If you can't make me happy.  I'll secretly wish that you had and then we will go back to just being a fad. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to look back and think about what I had and what I didn't like as if it even made a difference.  If you can't make me happy.  Why the hell are you here? To show me around this place of fear or wish me to death while I miserably  feel all the pain that's inside.  Somedays all I want to do is hide. Tucked away, safe and sound.  Connecting to the ground.  Someday I'll come around. You lack motivation. You lack the ability for sticking around. I don't want to be sad. I want to do the things that I so much desire.  But all I do is hide her. Please someone come find her. 

Find me on all Social Media Platforms

 

If you have found your way to this blog, I invite you to find your way to my other social media platforms. They are full of adventure, nature, love, sadness, hope, art, words and it doesn't even end there.  I'll wear my heart out keeping it on my sleeve.  I spent the evening doing a pop up shop with my handmade leather earrings.  I sold a few and in my book these days selling one pair is a win, so with that being said tonight was a big WIN. I want so badly to be an artist full time.  I have got to be patient with myself, my day will come and I will not give up! I have given up so many times, that's not even an option anymore.  Making art makes me happy, it breaths the life back into me when the world has sucked me dry.  I won't let not selling it bring me down.  I say that I still feel down sometimes about it but I won't allow it to win.  I'm on a mission to be an artist full time, nothing is going to stand in my way, nothing is going to stop me this time.  I'm learning to disassociate myself from those feelings as they aren't permanent and I refuse to let them win.  Have you ever come to a place in your life where you are like you know what I am so sick and tired of being a victim.  Telling myself that my arts not good which is why I can't sell it. It's all total BULLSHIT! I'm just playing the victim, poor me. blah. blah. I know what it takes to be successful and playing the victim and saying poor me has not worked out thus far so I'm pretty positive that it's not ever going to work.  I'm now telling myself that my art is worthy of purchase.  I have what it takes.  If you have ever been in a dark place remember, to appreciate the light we must first make peace with the dark.  

FeAr

I'm so scared all the time yet I'm reckless and impulsive.  I want to succeed but I'm too scared to pursue what makes me happy, my passions and my strengths.  I'll just chase that dollar, I'll chase it straight up a tree and then take a peak down when I am almost at the top. I'm not scared of heights but the way I react would make you think otherwise as I then will gradually come down, I'll climb my way back down out of that tree and why you ask? Because of fear.  Thats right I said it, FEAR.  What is it that I am afraid of? It's failing!  I'll half ass it and do ok, just scrape by.  Work myself into the ground trying to do it all.  I have to change my life. I have to change the way I see fear and failure.  I feel at a loss actually because I really have no idea what that even consists of.  Have you ever felt this way? Sometimes I feel all alone in  my heart.  All alone in my soul. All alone is the way that I feel like the world should go.  I don't know how many times I may say this in my life, but its so hard for me to live in this world.  There must be an easier way, one far easier than this.  How do I accept my true self to shine through, how do I make myself happy when I am blue?  I need disciple.  I need to find myself backed into a corner and the only way to get out is to become the original you.  The one who doesn't meet failure with impending doom.  The you that was there before the world got its hands on you.  I'm stuck in this limbo. My dreams take the dollar but the dollar takes my dreams.  Do I continue to let fear win? Do I put in the hard work that its going to take to live the life I have always wanted or will I continue to suffer and hand over my life and my time to a dying world or will I finally make my own? I am asking you these questions as if you'd have the answer but really I just needed to get it off my chest, release it into the wild. To soar through your mind.  To pulse in your heart.  To inspire you to believe there is more to life than feeling like you aren't doing what you're suppose to.  I can't let fear win.  Fear has won too many times already.  I CANNOT LET FEAR WIN!

So many words

I'm full of so many words yet I let them build up inside me like a beautifully crafted brick wall with all the different colors of reds and each brick laid up there so perfect in all of its uniqueness, yet so lonely and unnoticed.  I build the wall but I don't ever reveal it, that's my problem. I spend all my time, my energy, my money and resources on making myself feel better that in the end all I am really doing is making myself feel bad.  I am here to reorganize my life, my priorities and my own well being. I won't feel bad for doing the things I need to do for myself and I won't take any shit off of anyone that doesn't value or appreciate me.  I'm going to start making myself really unavailable to a lot of people and I'll get some backlash but I am ready for it.  I am ready to watch them squirm around like they wish they had never questioned me.  I want to help but I'm done being taken advantage of.  I seem to find myself in these types of situations more than I would like to admit.  It's one of my toxic traits, help out others so much that you end up forgetting to help yourself.  A part of me has always hidden away my love for writing.  I think back on my childhood and one thing becomes very clear, I spent a lot of time writing.  I never really finished anything but I found so much joy in it.  Even in high school and college when it came up to having to write a paper, I wasn't even mad, actually quite relived because then I knew what I was doing, for the most part when it came to writing a paper.  Words just kind of flow out of me although they can be such a disorganized mess when they first pour out.  My mind works in all different directions, bouncing around like a pinball in a machine.  The words just brilliantly falling out of my mind and onto the paper, full of jumps and curve balls.  Crushed by the mere thoughts of inadequacy are the words that wanted to make the page or paper but sorely feel short.  If I wrote a book would you read it? Do you even read this blog?  Do you even care what I have to say? The intrusive thoughts might crush me and my dreams, but I will lay there crushed but only because the crushing is how the beauty even finds the paper or the words even accumulate in my mind.  Without being crushed I'm not sure the words would even form.  I used to hate the distress of my own mind, my own thoughts and emotions.  I realized though that in that distress is where I find my best creative work.  I'll never seek out despair, I'll never have too, it will always find its way to me.  Thats all the hope I need. 

It's a poem alright

All I want to do is just write.

Write about nothing 

Write about you

All I want to do is just feel.

feel rather funny 

feel rather blue

All I want to do is be real.

real about nonsense 

real about this process

All I want to do is believe. 

believe there is kindness 

believe there's a thrill 

All I want to do is just write.

Write about everything 

Write about you

There's a poem. 

There's always a poem.

My whole damn life.

Inspiration is everywhere.

Breaking Point

 All I ever wanted was to feel alive.  I wanted to save the world until I realized that it doesn't want to be saved. I now wonder why I am here, what's my purpose in this world if I never get a voice.  If I never get a chance to tell you why it hurts.  To live in this world is to live in hell but without hell we wouldn't try so hard to find a way out.  A way out of this misery a way out of the mess.  Looking towards the future forgetting there's a past.  Living in the present but not really being there.  The worlds this crazy place and I find comfort in writing out the pain.  

Nov. 29. 2020 Breaking Point 

I've been trying to find my purpose, what really makes me tick.

I work and work and work at it but never get the hint.

I end up just giving it away just to hit my breaking point

And then running far away.

Timing isn't everything, it's actually quit insane.

I've been trying to find my purpose, to know why I am here.

I've always felt the need for greatness 

And as I fail, I flake.

It just ends up being me self destructing again

And it's all because I caved.

2020 Made History

 I can't help but to want to just write about 2020.  I mean for heaven's sake it has definitely made the history books but its also made history in my own personal life too.  I do know one thing going into 2021 is I will never ever say... 'said upcoming year is' and I quote "going to be my year, the best one yet!" I look back now and I laugh hysterically, partially because I've learned one of my defense mechanisms is making jokes, laughing or making light of things that just plain suck and there is really nothing funny about it but if I don't find something funny about it then I'll get all emotional, in my feelings and get depressed.  Have I told you that I struggle with that you know depression and anxiety to the point that I have let it control so much of my life its truly sad really.  That I've drank myself stupid too many times to count, that I have drowned the very thing that produces some of my best artwork or poetry.  That I am so worried about you, the critic that I allowed myself to stop doing what I love and doing it with a purpose and not just for me to be happy but to bring joy to others that may need it just as much as I do.  Let's just get real I needed 2020.  I needed this year to jolt me back to my truth to my purpose before I let all the world get its hold on me.  I needed 2020 to be complete shit and now I am sure you are laughing with me because what crazy person would really be grateful for such as year.  I said halfway through this year that 2020 is the year of reckoning and I truly believe that and not just for me but for a lot of people.  I needed 2020 to set the record straight once and for all though, to show me that I am not meant for this world which is why it is so hard for me to live here, to stop fighting it and just accept it for what it is. I was meant to heal things, to make things I come into contact with better in this world.  I will always feel unfulfilled with my life if I don't pursue my truth.  I can't let things break me so far down that I loose that part of myself again.  If I loose that I loose everything.  Just as writing this post is like my online journaling, as I heal myself with all my thoughts of 2020 I can only hope whoever may come across this blog post and reads it gets a little laugh or a spark of joy or maybe just makes them smile a little.  All I can hope is that it helps someone because it's helping me just sitting down at my computer and writing it down and getting it out of my head.  My head is a wild place and my dreams definitely reflect that.  So as we near the end of 2020 I say leave this year and all the bullshit behind and plan on doing the things that really matter in 2021 regardless of what they all say.